Transition. Uncertainty. Cafecito Con Leche

Wrapping it up

2008-11-19T10:07:00.000-08:00

Everyone blogs for a different reason; as a reader, it is my opinion that most blogs are products of a simple indulgence - look what I am doing, look what I have done. There's a term out there for it: Micro Fame. A way to selfishly share their lives without having to reciprocate and listen to others. The selfishness can easily be offset by reading other blogs, so essentially you get a bunch of people relating to others without interaction -- unless you comment each other, of course. I'm still amused by the "look what I'm doing every five minutes" style of blogging, even though I don't agree with bombarding people with so much useless information; I'm not really interested in knowing that you stubbed your toe 5 seconds ago and that your last fart smelled like bacon. It's interesting, though, that blogs have provided us the ability to know each other's intimate thoughts, yet still keep us at a safe distance, disconnected. It used to take effort -- a phone call or personal visit -- to find out how and what a friend was doing. Now, we place our emotions and experiences on a 24 Hour Buffet -- I've put it all out there... please take what you like, when you'd like.
I don't have a problem with this new system. In fact, it makes me all the more appreciative of the "old" ways; a phone call from a friend can make my day. And in cases of my dear friend Danielle, it is sometimes the only way to keep up with her trials and tribulations in another hemisphere. And her blog is something to admire, because it is also a great resource of how to survive when suddenly moving to Brazil in addition to her intelligent editorials and daily events.
Sometimes my own blogging was sporadic. I've always tried to keep the the right priorities: This is a blog about life, not a life about a blog. Quality over quantity.

Ultimately it comes down to this: This is a blog about my journey through grief and transition. Anyone that has lost a parent, or both, understands what an adventure it can be. The fact is that my journey will never end... it simply becomes a bit easier; I know how the path is paved, but sharp turns inevitably pop up whenever I think I know where I'm going.

Six years ago, I spent a week at the United States Naval Academy, in preparation to attend that prestigious institution. The competition was fierce, but I made it to the summer program, a good indication that I was on track to gain my admission. I wrote to my father, the Army man, every evening and detailed my experiences. He was so very proud that I had made it there. On the last day, we were subjected to yelling, questioning, and intense physical exertion -- your average boot camp stuff -- but most of us were spoiled 17 year old kids, so this was extreme. I just remember doing push ups as they mopped up the sweat and tears off the floor in front of me. Then, suddenly, we were sent outside to the main courtyard, greeted by the Navy band and the Dean. We were soaked in sweat, and now rain, yet we were overcome with so much pride... we freaking survived. I remember cheering, hugging strangers, and feeling euphoric. At the time, I considered it the proudest, most challenging time of my life.

A month later, I pressed my ear to my father's chest as his heart beat its final time. I planned the funeral and gave my eulogy to a standing room only crowd. I buried my parents together, after having held onto my mother's ashes for 12 years. The next few months became the most difficult challenge of my life.

I received the congressional nomination required for admission to the academy, but it no longer made sense to go. My only support was gone. Later, I got accepted to all the UC's that I applied to, but I found myself unable to go. New challenges -- a house, a business, a crash course in adult life -- all prevented me from going off to school.

I try not to use becoming an orphan at 17 as a scapegoat. But I cannot deny the catastrophic change it has caused in my personal development. There was a reason that I excelled at many jobs I once held, but never stuck with: It just wasn't where I was supposed to be. There was a reason I couldn't make house payments: I wasn't supposed to be a homeowner! (yet.) I just felt like I was living someone else's life. Even after being criticized by people I considered friends at the time, being told that my chances were gone, that I should find a trade and stick with it, etc etc... I made it. On the flipside, there are the friendships that have endured through all of this, that never doubted me. Those friendships make the naysayers hardly even memorable.

Five years later, I am here. I'm sitting in the UC Davis library, doing what I've only dreamed of: Putting off studying to write a blog post. Haha.

Every day I have my "I can't believe I'm here!" moments, and my friends always tease me for being the one that repeatedly asks, "Don't you just LOVE it here?" Finally, I am directing my own life. I am no longer having to react to circumstances beyond my control. I have choices, something I missed for a very long time. Best of all, I have the love of my life by my side.

The transition is over, and there is no longer any uncertainty.
I am retiring this blog.

But I'm still around, and I'll still receive comments. So if for any reason you want an update, let me know.

And if you're in town, we'll share a Cafecito con Leche.

The EZ Lube Story

2008-11-14T00:26:00.001-08:00

It's not that I want attention -- I really enjoy putting the spotlight on anyone who is behaving badly on purpose. And they do it because they think they can get away with it, that their mistreatment of others will go unannounced... and without consequence.
F--- THAT!
EZ-Lube intentionally screwed me over. Accidents happen -- I was just the random, unlucky person to not have my oil change completed. It happens. But to refuse to budge, to ignore my requests, to not be reasonable... and to purposely drag it out in hopes that I'd simply go away... that's seriously fucked up.

So, I made noise. I like making noise. It works. Here is the result:

Yay! Now I'm just waiting on that check.

Overdue Update on Things

2008-11-13T11:11:00.000-08:00

Okay. I've calmed down. EZ Lube appealed the court's decision simply to buy more time. They are not interested in actually going back to court, rather they know that the deadline before the judgement gets entered is only a week away, so the appeal pushes that deadline back another month. I'll be waiting for my check, jerks. So that was pleasant news. Also, the local news station is doing an in depth report on this whole incident. I filmed an interview before moving, and they're finally airing it now since this is sweeps week for the networks. All I can say is... they filmed that DAYS before I moved -- the craziest, most stressful time ever! I'm sure I looked pretty haggard during the interview. Oh well... I don't live there anymore anyway! So you local folks... 11pm on channel 6 tonight.

The EZ Lube stuff sent me for a loop last night, and on top of that, my brain was fried from studying for my 2nd Art History midterm THIS MORNING which consisted of testing me on the names, dates, locations and descriptions of 40 or so pieces of Greek art. Glad that's over. That concludes the midterms for this quarter, and soon enough, this quarter will be over. Time flies on the quarter system.

I'm also proud to announce that Mark left today to attend his graduation ceremony. I really wanted to go, but I had that tedious midterm. Also, my not attending saves us hotel costs and having to get a pet sitter... and it affords his family an extra ticket so that no one gets left out. It's an exciting event for his family, because even though he's too humble to admit pride in his great accomplishment, he's the first one to graduate college! It's a great reflection of his parents' ability to provide him the opportunity to get his degree, as well as his own commitment to higher education. What is also remarkable is that he completed the the 180 units required for a bachelor's degree in about 2.5 years... that takes four years for the rest of us! He keeps brushing it off like it's no big deal, so hopefully he'll see the great amount of pride that his family has tomorrow when they hand him that diploma. And it has a been a good year for his family; just a few months ago his sister completed Junior College, so maybe there will be another Bachelor's Degree in the family in the next few years.

In the meantime, I am just chugging along with school stuff, selling the house stuff, and UNPACKING. The kitchen is done. The living room is sorta done... there are only a few of Mark's boxes left in there to be dealt with. The bedroom is a disaster, and the office is an obstacle course. There will be major organizing occurring this weekend! Thankfully, Mark made a "don't fit/don't wear/donate" pile of clothes, so he managed to decrease the piles of clothing that he owns. Now, instead of being able to clothe a small country, he can merely clothe a small village. For a year.

...and this biking as my only form of transportation thing is starting to pay off. I don't think I've lost any weight in pounds, but my endurance is getting a lot better and I don't feel like I am going to die before getting to my destination anymore. There are also certain areas that make me sneeze as I go by, and I have learned to turn my head when sneezing to avoid getting hit by my own mighty mucous mist.

And in recent news, Sunday marked the 2nd anniversary of the day I flew to Utah to see Mark for the first time. We've deemed that day the "official" start of the relationship, even though we considered ourselves together before actually, you know, getting together. I'll spare you the graphic details. He treated me to a steak dinner, 18 white roses, and a really nice conversation over dinner. During the day, we took a little road trip with the dogs through a neighboring town and up into the mountains. It was just a really nice break from reality. I'll get those photos posted when he gets back from Utah, since he took my camera with him.

So now I've got errands to run, including figuring out how to buy a 30 lb bag of dog food and getting it home without a car. Balance it on the handlebars? Should be interesting!

Ah, and here's a photo of Mark and I at the last home football game. Enjoy!

Uggggggggghh

2008-11-12T19:35:00.001-08:00

EZ LUBE APPEALED!!!

I have to fly back down to southern California to go to court AGAIN.

Schmucks!

I think everyone knows one of these...

2008-11-12T12:04:00.001-08:00

You're terribly spoiled. The worst part is that you don't even realize it, instead, you are cursed with a sense of entitlement. You air your problems with a great deal of exaggeration and when you overcome them (often at the aid of your family) you feel as if you have truly struggled and overcome... even if it is something trivial that the rest of us deal with on a daily basis. And you expect applause and praise. You have your moments of kindness towards others, but they are so overshadowed by your rudeness, abrasiveness and narcissism...

You've hurt my feelings many times and I don't like you. But you don't bother to pay attention anyway. There's no sense in rebuilding a friendship that never really existed.

I honestly hope that you have not been impaired by the low standards set for you. By praising your small accomplishments, you have a false sense that these same accomplishments are huge... when in reality they are simply stepping stones. I know that the behaviors you exhibit are a product of years of coddling. I wish everyone would have had higher expectations for you rather than the "well, we're just glad you made it this far" mentality.

I would love to talk to you, perhaps give you another perspective, and get you out of the ditch they've dug for you. But you cannot see past your own reflection at this point. Have you ever asked yourself why everyone seems to know you so well, but of those people, there are some you hardly even know?

I want you to strive for more, keep going on this path that you have so recently stalled upon. I want you to grow.

I want you to grow up.

Take a few minutes...

2008-11-11T22:28:00.001-08:00

Bittersweet Victory

2008-11-05T10:44:00.000-08:00

I'm still hoping that Prop 8 won't pass...
we might need a miracle.

UPDATE: I'm disappointed at people's ignorance. Get a clue, people.

My biggest college accomplishment so far...

2008-10-24T07:16:00.000-07:00

So without going into great detail about how much I had been dreading this morning....
I ran 1.5 miles in 19:55 minutes. Before the run, he coach announced that the cutoff was 20 minutes, to which some people responded, "Isn't that just walking?"

No, it's not, bitch.

19:55 minutes. Yes, that's slow, and yes, I got lapped by almost everyone else on the rowing team, and yes, I made it very apparent that I was hating it by my loud sighs and "i'm too old for this shit!" mutterings, but dammit, I made it. I could barely run a 15 minute mile in high school, so this was a big thing for me. And I had to do this at 6:15 am, which makes this the earliest I've woken up since living in Davis.

I hope to never have to do it again. (the running part... well, maybe even the waking up early part too.)

I'm going back to bed.

This just in:

2008-10-20T13:35:00.000-07:00

SMALL CLAIMS HEARING
10/20/2008 - 8:30 AM DEPT. 1C

HONORABLE JOHN G EVANS, PRESIDING

CLERK: V. RODRIGUEZ

COURT REPORTER: NONE

MICHELLE A REPRESENTED BY/IN PRO PER

ON THE PLAINTIFF'S CLAIM (INDIO) OF MICHELLE DEFENDANT/CROSS-DEFENDANT ALLEN BRAUN ORDERED DISMISSED WITHOUT PREJUDICE.

VARIOUS DOCUMENTS RECEIVED BY THE COURT, CONSIDERED AND RETURNED TO OFFERING PARTY.

THE FOLLOWING ARE SWORN AND EXAMINED: ALL PARTIES

SMALL CLAIMS ACTION TAKEN UNDER SUBMISSION

/////

COURT SUBSEQUENTLY RULES:

JUDGMENT ON PLAINTIFF'S CLAIM (INDIO) OF MICHELLE

JUDGMENT ON PLAINTIFF'S CLAIM FOR MICHELLE

AND AGAINST DEFENDANT DANIEL F PRENDERGAST, KEITH ALESSI, MICHAEL DOBSON, RICHARD TEASTA, EZ LUBE LLC

IN THE AMOUNT OF $5890.00 PLUS COSTS OF $195.00

A COPY OF THIS SMALL CLAIMS JUDGMENT AND NOTICE OF ENTRY OF JUDGMENT WAS MAILED TO PLAINTIFF DEFENDANT

NOTICE OF ENTRY OF JUDGMENT PRINTED

Favorite Foods, Frozen yogurt, Football, Friends...

2008-10-09T13:20:00.000-07:00

I'm a little surprised at just how quickly the days are going by. Classes have been going on for two weeks, and it's been almost an entire month since I got here. So far so good.
I can't really say that I miss the desert -- I'll occasionally glance over the local news for that area -- but I do miss my little sister and my close friends. So... I miss like 8 people. If you're reading this, you're probably one of them. And you're welcome to come visit me anytime. I have moments where I get annoyed that I don't know everything there is to know about my new town, "I'm hungry at 10pm! What to eat?" but I honestly can't complain.

Mark arrived a week ago and promptly started working on Monday. It's been interesting so far as neither of us has been able to unpack much -- so there are things scattered everywhere. I've tried to make nice stacks of boxes to allude to my organizational nature, but it's not working very well. It's also very amusing to see the insane amounts of clothing that he owns. I think he could survive without doing laundry for 3 months straight without wearing something twice. Me? Maybe a week. Note to self: Use as an excuse for future clothes shopping.

So right now my favorite places to eat are Crepeville and Cultivé Frozen Yogurt. This is completely unfair, because I really haven't gone anywhere else to eat. These places are so delicious that I don't even want to try anything new yet. Crepeville makes enormous crepes that can feed two, which makes the meal nice and cheap and satisfying. Behold:

So there's one temptation that I'm working on resisting. This one is easily avoided by simply eating at home. The second temptation, however, is not easily avoided. There is no way to satisfy a craving for Cultivé other than just getting up and going there. Their frozen yogurt is simply amazing. The toppings are delicious, ranging from fresh fruit to fruity pebbles. Okay, so what makes it irresistable? My body needs it to function -- there ARE A BAZILLION live active cultures in it that are essential to my nutrition! Oh and it's fat free, too, so when convincing myself not to go there, I have absolutely no reason not to. Behold:

Delish.

In non-food related news, I've made a few friends so far. It's a little slow going since I am not in the dorms, and my lectures are so huge that they don't really afford you the time to interact with anyone. The only real class that gives me the chance to get to know my classmates is my Animal Bio Lab class.. and I'm usually wrists deep into a dead fish. :D :D :D There is something seriously wrong with the fact that I love cutting into dead things and pulling them apart.

My closest friend here is Weijing (Way-cheen) -- she's of chinese descent, but she's from Mexico City. It confuses everyone that meets her; they see her and think she's Chinese-American, then she starts speaking Spanish perfectly, and they just can't wrap their heads around it. I've had complete strangers ask me (when she's not around) "What IS she?" And then I try to explain the possibility that not everyone emigrates to America. Anyway, she's great.. and she's essentially on her own out here since her family is still in Mexico, so we can relate a lot and provide each other unique perspectives on things. Yay. She's also hilarious and we're always cracking each other up.

I've really been making a point of getting out and getting into what the town and university has to offer -- part of this is me trying to be more outgoing, but also getting my money's worth on this investment! Tuition is expensive! Free tickets? Free bus rides? I am milking all these student benefits for what they are worth! So the day after Mark got here, we went to a football game. I managed to get him a student t-shirt, and Weijing graciously gave him her student ticket, so he was able pretend to be a student in the student section. The game turned out to be the MOST EPIC GAME in history, with the winning points being scored from a 32 yard hail mary with only 2.9 seconds left on the clock -- it was seriously a miracle. Read about it here. The entire student section rushed the field and all hell broke loose and it was the most fun I've had in a long time. I forgot how much I really do like football -- years of watching it as a kid with my father are finally paying off.

We also attended a block party pot-luck thing for our neighborhood -- the city of Davis organizes it every year so that students and residents can get to know each other. Since I was sending Mark to go get the ingredients for our dish, I decided to go with something simple. You know, so it would be easy to pick up what we need. The recipe? Crab Salad with twist: get the premade stuff and add chopped toasted almonds, cilantro, lime, and put it on Pumpernickel toasts.
He's at the store. My phone rings.

"They don't have crab salad, can we use Seafood salad?"
"Yes. We need about 3 cups."
(pause, deli attendant talking in background)
"It only comes in pounds."
"Try to estimate"
"ummm.... Okay."
(more deli attendant conversation)
"Honey, I need to go, just call me if you need any more help."
"oh okay."

Phone rings again.

"Roasted Salted Almonds? Cause that's all they have"
"No... you're in the wrong aisle. Those are snacker nuts, you need to go over to the baking stuff."
"Okay"

Phone rings again.

"They only have slivered almonds"
"That's it? No other types??"
"No."
"Okay those will work."

Phone rings again.

"Cilantro, right?"
"YES."

Phone rings again.

"I'm in the bread section, I don't see the pumpernickel you want."
"Try the cheese section, where the Brie is. I'm sure they have it there"
"I'm only seeing water crackers."
"Keep looking."
"oh. there it is."

I forgot to mention that all of these phone calls took place while I was in the shower.

Exhausted, my gallant gatherer hands over the ingredients... and after toasting and chopping the almonds, toasting the pumpernickel, and throwing at all together, this is what I ended up with:

I say "what I ended up with" because after he handed me the ingredients, he seriously went and took a nap. The grocery store depleted him of all his energy. Mark says it's the hardest thing he ever had to do in his life. ::insert eye roll here:: Gotta love him.

My first midterm is in a week... can you believe it? Life is good. Come visit! It'll give me more motivation to unpack!

Paradise, frankenstein bikes, and the Dingo

2008-09-21T13:02:00.000-07:00

Well yesterday did not go as planned at all. I woke up at about 4 am to Socks dry heaving... if you're a dog owner, you know that sound. It makes you wake up, jump out of bed and make it to the nearest door to let the dog out in .5 seconds. It doesn't matter how cold or tired you are, you instinctual get a vomiting dog OUTSIDE without even thinking about it.
So on a very cold [to me] Davis morning, I found myself outside at 4 am with Socks, who seemed like she wanted to vomit, but was not producing anything -- just retching. Mark, who managed to bring himself to full consciousness this early in the morning, suggested that I call the UC Davis Teaching Hospital, which is the 24-hour vet around here. I am kinda against calling in these situations.... if it's an emergency, take the dog in. If it can wait, then wait. Very simple. A phone diagnosis is next to impossible. I called anyway, and the student that I spoke to served more as a therapist to me and helped calm me down.
The reason I was so concerned was because retching can sometimes be a the indicator of GDV, otherwise known as bloat. It's the #2 killer in dogs, and occurs in deeper chested dogs, like Dobies. More about bloat here. Luckily, all the other bloat symptoms were absent, and that is what ultimately made me go to bed and not worry about it until normal business hours.

So at 9am, after more retching, I made an appointment with a local vet that a few neighbors recommended. I had to call a cab to get out there, since EZ LUBE RUINED MY ENGINE and I have no way to get my old girl across town.

Dramatization

End result: Socks is okay... but the suspicion is that something is up with her esophagus rather than her stomach. She's on a rice and cottage cheese diet for now, and she's getting some Pepcid AC with her meals. That, added to the anti-inflammatory she's taking for her lower back and the joint support pills... Socks is one old lady. But I love her and so I'll keep her going as long as she wants to.

So no farmer's market. Instead, I ordered groceries online and had them delivered this morning. I'm not bike confident enough yet to hang groceries from my handlebars, so this was a great alternative. I hope to never use this option again, because it just felt sorta bourgeoisie having a Safeway.com truck in front of my house.

In the evening, I hopped on my bike to explore the neighborhood.
I ventured into an area which reminded me of the Secret Garden... I went through some path and all of a sudden I was in the most beautiful neighborhood ever. There were tons of bike paths and I almost felt like I was discovering some mystical land. There were homes with large gardens, people cultivating, sunflowers and green everywhere.... and then a tiny vineyard. Oh and few parks thrown in there, the sounds of kids playing, people playing Frisbee.... what the hell is this place? Is this normal around here? Do these people know the paradise they're living in??? I later found out that I had found myself in the middle of Village Homes, one of the nicest places to live in Davis. Not bad. I'll take a camera next time and get some nice shots so you'll at least have an idea of what I'm raving about.

On my way home, I ran into a bunch of kids riding crazy looking bicycles. As it turns out, my neighbor down the street is Peter Wagner, famous in this town for making the most unique bikes you've ever seen. When I first passed by his house, I assumed his front yard was some sort of bicycle graveyard. When a kid on a penny farthing rode by, I couldn't help but laugh. I soon found out that I was riding through the neighborhood block party.

Really? There's such thing? Neighbors that know each other and talk to each other? I went home and changed and went back to check it out. I can't remember any names at this point but the people were awesome and very friendly. I sat at a table and engaged in some great conversation with people that I didn't even know. It was really nice... something you'd never find in the desert. Crazy.

Which brings me to the favorite part of my evening... A neighbor asked, "Are you the new neighbor with the two large dogs? My boys were telling me about them. They said one of your dogs is part Dingo!" Socks, my geriatric mutt... straight from the outback! So now her son has told all the neighborhood kids about the new Dingo down the street.

I also got to meet my other next door neighbor. I am going to endearingly refer to her as the crazy cat lady. She's not crazy... but she does live alone, she has a bunch of foster cats and bunnies, wears crocks, doesn't eat meat, drives a 1989 Honda with liberal bumper stickers all over it, is a self proclaimed pack-rat, and talks A LOT. I know her life story already. Her house is hardly visible from the street because of the overgrown shrubs and there's no clear path to her front door. But she likes animals and doesn't mind barking... which means she's the perfect neighbor.

Today's plan is to bike into town to Rite Aid to pick up Socks's pepcid and not get lost. I was also contemplating biking into campus to map out my classes... so that I look like I know what I'm doing on the first day of class.

I'd better make some rice before I go.

Awkward...

2008-09-20T15:42:00.000-07:00

Do you ever say things that sound completely different than what you were going for? I do this from time to time... and I was just thinking about it. It tends to happen when I'm meeting new people, especially when it's 1 on 1. Last week, I was chatting with my neighbor in her living room and she was telling me about the great price she got on her new sofa. This thing was so plush and delicious looking -- I could just imagine the amazing naps to be had on that thing. So how did I compliment her sofa?
"It looks really nappy."
Uh, what?
You know! Nap-y. As in nap like. Not dreadlocks nappy. I managed to explain what I meant and things were fine, but it did produce the need to slap my forehead after I left.

I also remember telling someone that I am a pain in the ass sometimes. Realizing that I just somewhat insulted myself and that no one likes negative people, I corrected by saying, "Well I'm a good pain in that ass." WHAT? Now I sound like an anal fiend. If I were a guy, that would have been borderline creepy sounding.

I hope I'm not the only one.

Week one in Davis

2008-09-19T22:20:00.000-07:00

Before I get into this week's ~~mis~~adventures, I'd like to make an important news announcement:
Mark got a job offer in Sacramento! A really good job offer. We're excited! And today, he finished school. So proud of my hunny with his sexy B.S. in Computer Science... woooooo!

So Monday (or was it Tuesday?) I had to pick up Socks's medication at the Rite Aid a few miles away. What a fantastic excuse to get out of the house and get more acquainted with my new town, right? I did my usual over-planning and google-mapped out my adventure route... and I soon found myself on a bus headed downtown. My student ID lets me ride the bus for free! But in normal Michelle fashion, I walked East instead of West after getting off the bus -- so Rite Aid was, of course, nowhere in sight. It wasn't until I hit the railroad tracks that I admitted that I was lost. After finally figuring out where I went wrong, I retraced my steps and headed back. It was nice to calmly stroll the streets of Davis and take in the nice non-desert qualities of this town. Cool breezes, tress, GREEN! It's delish.
After getting Socks's medication, I found the nearest bus stop and sat in the grass to get some rest. I shuffled through my purse to find my student ID and realized that I didn't have it anymore. I dropped it somewhere. ugh.
So now the bus is $1 instead of FREE. @#$@#$!
Angry and tired, I scratched an itch on my leg -- except I scratched off the scab from my stab wound. Now I'm bleeding profusely on the side of the road. My hands are dirty from my now necessary bus fare so I don't want to touch the wound... so I rummage through my purse to find some sort of dressing... A receipt! Good enough! The bleeding stops so I pull the receipt off... and the remaining scab sticks to it. FANTASTIC. Now I'm bleeding even more. I just crossed my legs and used my opposite leg to apply pressure to it. Now it hurts. Angry, tired, bleeding, in pain. This IS NOT how the day was supposed to go.

I got home and took my anti-depressants... ie. CHOCOLATE COVERED ANYTHING IN THE FRIDGE, which just happened to be bananas and strawberries. This was completely healthy because I used dark chocolate. And just to be ensure that this was a completely healthy, guilt free meal, I sprinkled flax seeds on it. Total health food.

Please ignore the phallic theme here -- what can I say? It's been weeks!

I didn't really do anything for the next few days. Small walks here and there with the pups, but no real adventures to report. Turns out there's a cute little park near my house. I walked through there one afternoon and saw the cutest thing: a little kid soccer practice. Little, like 5 year olds.

All the kids just stood there and yelled "I'm open! I'm open!" anytime someone else had the ball. It was way cute. Then I looked down, and saw this:

Ummm... utopia, anyone?

Today was a big day... I had real errands to run! I treated myself to lunch at Noodle City. For about 6 bucks they serve you a trough of soup and noodles. I was no match against the immense wonton noodle soup I ordered. mmmmm....

I picked up my bike from the bike shop as well, all tuned up and with new fenders! Gotta avoid that freshman stripe at all costs. I walked my bike out of the shop... and kept walking. I realized that I hadn't ridden a bike in 10 years... and I wasn't going to embark on my maiden voyage in the center of town. Cars. People. Michelle on her ass.... not going to happen here. My biggest fear in life is looking like I don't know what I'm doing. It's really silly, but I avoid it at all costs. So.. I walked that bike on the sidewalk with a confident look on my face ("oh yeah, I'm a cyclist who is just walking my bike to take in the sights... taking it easy...") for a good 6 or 7 blocks until I hit a great stretch of bike lanes near the campus.
I hopped on my bike and hey, it was like riding a bike. ::insert courtesy laugh:: Then I pedaled faster. I felt really cool! Like a cool kid... like look-at-me-I'm-a-student-on-a-bike-I-do-this-all-the-time! And then that cool feeling was replaced with tightening quadriceps and shortness of breath. Holy crap, I am out of shape. I huffed and puffed and made it home, victorious. I'm going to have to bike to the campus everyday until school starts in order to be somewhat prepared for my daily commute. Which reminds me: School starts Thursday! omgomg

After relaxing at home, I gathered up some dirty laundry and headed to the laundromat with Diego.

Diego disagreed.

I'm running out of food to eat so tomorrow I'll be headed back to the amazing farmer's market. Check out this great slide show about it: Full Belly and Full Basket

And that's it. :D

The Big Move

2008-09-14T13:23:00.000-07:00

I'm not sure where to begin, because these past few days have been pretty crazy.
On Wednesday night, while were were on our dinner date, Renelle and I discussed the possibility of her coming with me for the move. My best buddy Robert had already committed to driving a rental car behind me, so I figured the extra set of hands and the company would be nice. In retrospect, it was definitely a great opportunity for her to see my new place and be part of the Michelle Relocation Experience. We pondered the different ways to go about this; Renelle's mother (remember, Renelle is my half sister) has been making a habit of leaving Renelle home alone for days at a time to visit some farm in Pennsylvania that's she's ~~wasted~~ invested her money on. These little trips have been more frequent ever since she's started sleeping with the younger, single dad down the street. She's on one of those rendezvous until the 17th of this month. Renelle wanted to just up and leave and not tell her, and we joked about how her mother would find out, file a missing person's report, only to have the cops ask her, "When did you last see your daughter?" and for her to reply, "Well... days ago when I left her alone to travel across the country." Ha.
Later that evening, I called her darling mother and ~~told her~~ asked her if Renelle could come. The answer was yes even before I called her... I just had to get it out of her. You know these types of people.
We didn't get out of the house on Thursday until about 4pm. The last minute packing turned into a huge event, and loading the last bit of the truck was surprisingly time consuming. Finally, we loaded up all the animals and headed out. Find Diego in each picture... haha.

Renelle was good company for the first 7 hours of the trip, then she fell asleep. One memorable conversation:

Renelle: Ughggghhhh!
Michelle: What's wrong?
Renelle: It burns!!
Michelle: what does??
Renelle: Liiiife!
Michelle: Uh... what? You're so weird.

I'm glad that we left so late. We didn't hit any traffic and we took our time with the idea that we'd stop somewhere and finish driving on Friday. However, Robert is just as stubborn as I am, so we drove the entire way that night. We made it to Davis on Monsters and coffee by about 2 am. We crashed at a Motel 6 and didn't wake up until 11:30am the next morning.

After cleaning up as best we could in the 30 minutes we had before checkout, we headed into Davis to pick up my keys. Of course, the office was closed for another hour for lunch. So we proceeded to the house just to get the moving truck parked in the driveway and take a little break. The back gate was open and the sliding door to the office was wide open. Hmmm... interesting. We opened the garage and started unloading. I went and got my keys and things were going as planned, until I realized that there was no washer or dryer. When we did the walk-through back in July, we were told the washer and dryer would stay. I purposely left mine at my house because of this. Mark called the management company about this as soon as I told him and their response was, "Well, in the ad, it doesn't mention a washer and dryer." Ugh. Robert said he'll bring them up with anything else that I may have forgetten once he saves up some money for another trip.
We managed to get the entire truck unloaded and ordered pizza for dinner. By 7pm we were tired, stinky but satisfied, and in need of a shower. Umm... there's no hot water. All the utilities are supposed to be on, and I'm sure they are.. I just think there's a problem with the hot water heater. My lovely and friendly neighbor offered to let us use her shower, but Renelle, the teenager, would rather brace the cold than go into someone else's house and shower. That lasted all of two minutes -- she emerged, half wet, with a "there's no way" look on her face. So we both headed next door, and I chatted with my neighbor while she showered.
Robert just elected the cold shower since he's bald and could get in and out in under 2 minutes.

Saturday: We turned in the moving truck in the morning. I turns out, I was 3 miles under the allowed mileage. Phew. We headed over to the Davis Farmer's Market and indulged in free samples of fruit and yummies for breakfast. Renelle bought a hot chocolate (made with Ghirardelli!) that she deemed the Best Hot Chocolate of her life. I bought the most amazing tortillas, then we ate some tamales, then I bought Renelle a Thai Iced Tea POPSICLE! Amazingness.
After another rest at home, we headed west to Vacaville in search of a WinCo foods. We stopped at a Jelly Belly store,

and this really neat, giant sized chess set.

Eventually we found the WinCo and I stocked up on the weird things that I like to eat, like FLAX SEEDS in BULK!!omgomgomg
After a quick dinner, Renelle and I went to the first UC Davis home football game. Robert stayed home with the dogs and rested. I bought Renelle a $5 Aggie Fanatic t-shirt and we both watched the game from the student section, which was incredibly loud and crazy and FUN!

She was a little apprehensive and self conscious at first, but by the second half she was yelling and cheering and having a good time. "Next time," she said, "we're painting our faces!" Once in a while, one of her friends would call her cell and she'd answer "I'M AT A FOOTBALL GAME AT UC DAVIS!" and you could tell she was really happy and proud to be there. It was cute.

She also kept saying, "I have to go to this school!" which was like music to my ears. This child needs to get out of the desert after high school.

We had some Ben and Jerry's after the game, and made our way home, exhausted.

Robert and Renelle left a few hours ago. I'm still really exhausted but I'm excited to start unpacking and decorating the house. My bike is getting tuned-up so I don't have any transportation until tomorrow, which forces me to stay home and get some work done. It's 80 degrees here, the doors and windows are all open, and my feet are cold.

I love it here already.

The Garage Door

2008-09-10T23:29:00.000-07:00

So... a little bit of a lighter (well, sort of) post...

See that garage door from the last post? It's one of those old school wood on metal frame doors, making it really really heavy and awkward. When we replaced it with one of those modern aluminum paneled ones in 2000, Dad kept the old door and used it to partition the garage as to prevent dust from entering the house.
So of course, this was an obstacle in the garage cleaning process. What the hell do I do with this thing? Yesterday, my ex boyfriend from high school, Al, drove out to help with the garage. He's just that nice of a guy, and because he worked in there with my dad, he was familiar with what tools needed to be set aside for the move. And he's also more braun than brains, but I say that endearingly, especially since this happened:

We weren't sure how the garage door was fastened... was it nailed to the floor? We could only see one nail that was holding it to the back wall of the garage. Surely there was more reinforcement, right? I was in the kitchen when I heard, "OH SHIT!" ::GIANT CRASH::
Al had decided to take out what we later discovered was the ONLY nail holding this thing and gravity took over. It could have been disastrous, but instead it turned out to be something funny that my father would've appreciated.
We managed to drag this monstrosity out of the garage using very primitive means; small sections of metal pipe placed underneath in order to roll it out of there Egyptian style.

So on a late night whim, I put it on craigslist... and long story short, some nice lady arranged to pick it up. She was in her late 50's, and brought along 2 ornery old men, one of which made a great first impression by exclaiming: "This is the most worthless thing I've ever seen!" to which she enthusiastically would reply, "No it's great! It's a great garage door!" ...this went on for a good 20 minutes. They had shown up in a small truck, so I figured they were just going to look at it.
She finally got her way, and they decided to take it... on the truck they brought. I seriously thought they were kidding. So between all of us (and some amused neighbors) we put this giant door on top of the truck. Unbelievable. They were from Desert Hot Springs... anyone that knows this area can appreciate that added detail.

So that's the garage door story.

I've been pretty stressed out of my gourd today, but a lot was accomplished. I was driving to pick up the moving truck today while talking to Mark on the phone, when about halfway there he mentioned, "So.. who's taking you to pick up the truck?" to which I replied, "No one! I'm just going to go get it--- fuck." I pulled over, had a little hissy/stress fit, turned around, and found myself a ride. Who does that? Of course I need a ride to pick up another vehicle!

To give myself a break, I took Renelle to her favorite little Sushi place. We didn't really order any sushi -- she's a miso soup and cucumber salad addict, which is quite pleasant on my pocketbook. She was looking at her placemat with all the different types of sushi on it, and wondered out loud what the Salmon Roe was like. Big Mistake. I asked the waiter if he could bring her a little so she could try it. She thought it was awful. For once, I agreed with her on that one.

I'm still packing a few small things, but otherwise, the truck is loaded. I'm pretty sure saying goodbye to the house tomorrow will be easy if I get everything that I wanted to do done.
Back to work. :)

2 Days to go...

2008-09-09T22:35:00.000-07:00

A great find from the garage:

I don't know what it is about this picture, but it makes me happy, angry, and really sad all at the same time.

I still don't understand how it went from that nice happy family, to

the widower and his daughter, to

just the daughter.

This version of the photo perfectly illustrates how I've been feeling for the past few months. You may look at me and see someone who's got it together... but this this what it's really like. It hits me hard to see the actual photo when I've been so used to the latter version.

I miss them. It's so unbearably painful today. I can feel my heart wringing out the tears like a common sponge, each twist accompanied by a pain whose depth is more than I can even fathom, much less describe. It's awful.

Perhaps tomorrow will be a better day.

This is the most difficult time of my life.

2008-09-08T17:56:00.001-07:00

Gutting the Garage, Hour 7:
While negotiating a tight space, I backed into a knife. A KNIFE. Hello? Why is that poking straight out of a box like that? Puncture wound to the back of my calf. Intriguingly painful.

At least Diego will give me a hand paw...

2008-09-07T01:30:00.000-07:00

I am so ready to get out of this desert. I don't know what it is about this area, but it is a weird vortex of fake people and self-servitude. Perhaps because we're so close to LA? Any transplant will tell you that this place is definitely different.
It's been almost fascinating to see how people are reacting to my leaving; there are those that ignore the effect that it's having on me and focus on how it is going to affect them; "You can't leave ME!" Then there's the I will never show any approval for what you do people; "Moving where? A new town where you won't know anyone and you'll have to start all over. Good luck..." I've quickly learned that "Let me know if you need anything!" quickly translates to "Let me know if you need anything so I can politely tell you that I'm too busy to help you."
Everyone that knows me knows when I'll be on my way -- and yet some of the people that I most expected to care have completely forgotten. Forgotten probably isn't the word... more like they are either too busy or it simply doesn't register on their radar of priorities, I guess. Fortunately, I've had a few surprises here and there, where an amazing phone call or visit completely makes up for it all.

I'm not thinking about it anymore. My next few days are completely dedicated finishing up with the packing, continuing the nightmare of the garage, and THEN getting the house up to Ready to Show to Potential Buyers condition. Today was spent trying to take care of the latter; I spent a lot of time painting what was supposed to be painted and scraping paint off of what wasn't supposed to be painted -- simply reinforcing my "if you want it done right, do it yourself" mantra.

So.. that's about it. I spent a great evening last night with the surrogate parents, and for the first time, I got really really excited about the future. It also made me completely terrified of not having my father around for all this. It was an interesting pang of fear which I've been quite successful at avoiding by simply not thinking about what is going on and what is yet to come. I keep telling people that I'll get excited once I get there, because frankly, I am far too overwhelmed with everything else to even crack a smile. Moving in itself is crazy and stressful -- and I have the joy of compounding it with the fact that i've never moved, this is my childhood home, I have to sort through my dead parents' belongings, i'm preparing this home to be on the market, and i'm alone in this insane endeavor. I'm by no means having a pity party... It's just somewhat humorous that there are so many factors that are making this ridiculously difficult. I'm getting pelted by lemons... and my lemonade pitcher is in storage! Ugh!

On a funny note, I took a break from scrubbing floors to train Diego to shake. My older dog, Socks, mastered this on her own. She is just one of those dogs that does it anyway so I took advantage of it. Diego? It took a little palatable encouragement. He managed to learn it in 20 minutes, which is impressive... but it needs some fine tuning.

I sit on the floor with treats when I work with him, and he never moves his gaze from them. I can't get him to look at me; he just starts throwing every trick he knows at me. I mean, I understand his logic -- these silly repetitious actions = food. So I tell him to sit and he starts snapping, barking, giving his paw, and when all else fails, he plays dead. Oh, and he wags his little tail while he plays dead. The big scary 80 pound doberman holding as still as possible and wiggling his little mechanical tail.
After this little bout of "Look what I can do!" I finally get him to sit patiently. Treat. Shake? Treat. Down? Treat. Okay, get back up, let's do this again. Sit? Treat.
I wait a second to make sure he's paying attention, then..
SMACK. Ouch! WTF? Paw to my face. Here it comes again. CHRIST! DIEGO STOP THAT!
He doesn't know any better... He outstretched that paw and went as high as he could with it. That's the most enthusiastic shake ever!

Treat.

I think i'll just stand when we work on his tricks from now on.

Total Holiday

2008-09-02T12:17:00.000-07:00

The garage still isn't done, but there was definitely major progress made.
Mark drove 10 hours after school on Friday to be here and help me out, which quickly turned into me just standing in the middle of clutter making "keep it or toss it" decisions while he did all the heavy work. Not once did he complain. It was humid and gross and of course, really dusty, but we managed to get at least 70% done. He embarked on the 10 hour drive home yesterday morning, and about 30 minutes later, my dear friend Becky showed up. It's like a tag team of people making sure that I don't lose my mind. She was ready to roll up her sleeves and dig into the garage, but I was ready to just take a break from that. Our day consisted of a sushi brunch, a frozen yogurt date, shopping and troublemaking at Bed Bath and Beyond, Trader Joe's shenanigans, a nap, reheated stuffed crust pizza, eating mochi ice cream without utensils, and then a movie date. We hit a liquor store on the way to the movie and picked up a few cans of pre-mixed cocktails. I can't describe how satisfying it is to sit in an air conditioned movie theater on a hot day, sipping on a long island iced tea....
THE MOVIE WAS SIMPLY AMAZING.Go see it. Report back to me and tell me how much you loved it.

After the movie, we drove down to the new Agua Caliente hotel and visited my top secret favorite conversation spot. It's top secret but I'll tell you anyway, simply because it's nice. Top floor. That's it. There's a nice little sitting area, no one goes up there, and you get to see (occasionally) the types of people that get the expensive rooms at the top. Extra points if you're wearing a skirt and they wink at you.

That was about it; Becky drove back to Newport Beach and I soon fell asleep on my delicious new fitted sheet.

The end.

Today I have a billion things to do, but have put the off by sleeping in, eating breakfast very slowly, and typing this ALL IMPORTANT post. I am now going to take a 3 hour shower.

Then I'll think about what needs to be done today.

I can't wait until this weekend is over.

2008-08-29T15:23:00.000-07:00

Less than two weeks until I move. I've reserved the moving truck and have only a few fixes on the house left to do. Tomorrow's adventure? The GARAGE.
When people hear this, they automatically assume that it's piled high with junk and forgotten belongings. This is only a half truth.

The garage was my father's domain. It was his workshop. He ran a business that supported us for so many years from that garage. If he wasn't in front of the TV with his giant bowl of popcorn, he was out there. Even when temperatures topped 110 in the middle of august, he was out there with some swamp cooler he had rigged up, or most recently, the air duct that he installed onto the main a/c unit that provided air conditioning directly on him.
That's where he reported to work everyday. He had the discipline that only a military man could have. Every tool was inventoried. He was amazingly organized. He could fix ANYTHING. (which is also why I never made it to the doctor's office for injuries.)

It's hard to explain the clinginess that we go through when people die. Yes, death is natural, blah blah blah... but it's so unnatural in a sense that one day they're here, the next day they aren't. I know that I immediately felt the need to cling to anything that reminded me of him. I'd stand in his closet and smell his clothes and cry. Does that make me weird? No. It's one of those things that people do that no one likes to talk about because it could potentially sound weird to non-mourners.
Those days are long gone now; I donated his clothes, his suits, his shoes... his bed is gone and so is all his bedroom furniture. I've saved the important things. I'm glad that I did that years ago, and I'm glad that I did it alone.

But that garage. There's a lot of baggage there. I am going to find all sorts of things that I don't need, but that may have value. Then what? Tools are great things to have, but I don't need ALL of them. But their replacement value is high. Is my father laughing at me for schlepping these things all the way to Davis? Or is he pissed that I just threw away some really awesome tool?
Or.. wait a minute, it doesn't matter either way because he is dead and if he really cared about his things he wouldn't have died. ::insert bratty face::

All joking aside, I have really put this task off as long as I possibly could. I'm looking forward to finding things that I haven't seen since my childhood, as well as being reminded of things that I've pushed out of my brain for so long. It's going to suck, it's going to be sad, it's going to be funny and it's going to be tough.

It's the last physical evidence that he was here.
... and I have to take it all apart.

EZ Lube Sucks

2008-08-14T15:59:00.000-07:00

New carpet today! So exciting. The house is going to look more normal and I get to take a break from sweeping concrete on a daily basis. And better yet, the ferrets will get to play and explore around in my room... something I avoided letting them do because of abundance of dust on the cement floors.

The carpet padding is placed only after exceeding a high rating on the "Diego Comfort Scale".

So the EZ Lube drama continues. I am now taking them to small claims court since they have repeatedly ignored me. They really just don't care. Also, when figuring out who exactly I was suing, I found some inconsistencies with the name of the business and how they were listed on the Bureau of Automotive repairs and their business license. Just some shady stuff. My original court date was Sept 4th, however this needed to be changed because the parties have not been able to be served; so the summons now have to be mailed, which requires a month notice. So we're looking at anytime after the 14th of next month. Let's keep in mind that my Davis move-in date is Sept 10th. School starts the 25th. This is really a thorn in my side. The last thing I want to do (but will have to do, apparently) is move up there and fly back here for a stupid court date. This is all going to be very interesting.

So I was at my attorney's office and he mentioned that a friend of his had called -- the exact same thing happened to him! Same place, same song and dance -- EVERYTHING. Except he's a locksmith, and they ruined his van. When he mentioned his name, it sounded familiar. So I looked him up and called him. I introduced myself, then added, "I think you may have known my father..." and before I finished my sentence, he exclaimed, "You bet I DID! I watched you grow up and..." What a small world it can be sometimes. We're having dinner tonight to catch up and reminisce. My father was quite the character, the amount of people that knew him never fails to amaze me. Couple that with his love of talking about the daughter he ws raising on his own... there are a ton of people that have watched me grow up. It's a nice feeling.

So now that there's two of us, there's more proof that this isn't just some crazy random mistake. Who knows how many other people have had mechanical failures or had their cars downright ruined due to a simple, yet costly mistake.

Don't go to EZ-Lube.

More Sushi Feasting

2008-08-13T20:26:00.001-07:00

There are so many things going on that it is just nicer to focus on one delicious highlight of my life:

Renelle loves sushi almost as much as I do. We had a roll competition tonight. It's pretty apparent that we both won.
What you see here are: 2 California rolls (Renelle made the one on the right, she got extra points for her snazzy presentation), a salmon avocado roll, and a Philadelphia roll. Yum! And of course, my salmon sashimi. Renelle isn't into salmon... so I had no choice but to eat all of it.
I think we're getting the hang of this. :)

Sushi JACKPOT

2008-07-16T23:18:00.000-07:00

I'm writing this post with my friends Elena and Chrissy in mind.

My life is almost complete now that i've found you.

Anyone that knows me is aware of my severe sushi addiction, mainly salmon. Raw, delicious salmon. Cooked? Seared? Get that away from me! When I go to Seaworld, Shamu makes me cry and the fish make me hungry.
I found this website a few days ago when pondering the thought of cutting out the expensive middle man and making my own sushi.
Long story short: I've already gone through a pound of this stuff. I have 2 lbs left in my freezer.

I'm sure I wouldn't consume as much if I were eating rice, but right now I'm knocking carbs out of my diet for a little bit to get myself back on track. Maybe in a few weeks I'll make some sushi and rolls with brown rice. I was munching on my Cucumber-Seaweed salad when I was overcome with a delicious idea.

I had ordered Nori with my fish, and apart from the amusing packaging, it is something that is amazingly delicious.

The choicest NORI, the seafood is delicately seasoned and baked. It
brings to your table not only a smack of the sea but also a good health.

So here's what I have deemed Michelle's Amazing Do-it-yourself and Not Go Bankrupt roll..

Quarter up your nori, add your salmon and avocado, and roll it! Then eat it. Don't stand around and take pictures of it, because nori loses it's crunch rather quickly when you don't have rice to keep it from getting soggy.

That's all. Apart from it being pretty darn healthy, my entire meal was also raw. Sometimes I think people go a little overboard on raw diets, but I can see how it can be appealing. I feel nice and satisfied. And if you're ever a guest at my home, you'll be subjected to it. And by it, I mean the sushi thing. I'll leave the nice and satisfied thing up to you and your significant other.

the "Urban Hunter/Gatherer" diet

2008-07-16T20:57:00.000-07:00

Although I feel very inconvenienced (but still fortunate in a hierarchy of needs scheme of things) I have noticed some nice aspects of not having a car. Apart from not spending money on gas and polluting the environment (dear god, she's turning in to a hippie!), I am forced to walk to the store. I have to make the simple barter that has existed for centuries that we all take for granted:

Trading your energy, in the form of exercising, for sustenance.

It sounds so simple, right? No one does it anymore. I can't even remember the last time I walked to the store. Well.... in Mexico I did, but that's the way everyone does it, and cities are built accordingly. It's ridiculously easier to walk to the market everyday to purchase the items you need for the day and support the local farmers than to drive to the Gigante and buy in bulk and make a giant trip to spend money on things that are from who-knows-where.
This could easily go into a discussion about local economy and small business vs. EVIL CORPORATIONS, but I will not digress. Danielle nicely sums up her experience about that here.

So as soon as it got down to 100 degrees or so (that would be 6pm in this lovely desert) I began my 1 mile trek to the grocery store. iPod? Check. Debit Card? Check. Water? Check. Mean face for the passing motorists who comment on my ass and or legs? Check.
Apart from drivers' blatant disregard for pedestrians such as myself (does a car stop at the first white line, or second one?), it was a nice little adventure.

I grabbed a basket and proceeded to fill it. When I was almost done, I became tired of carrying it. Then I realized that I needed to be able to schlepp my stuff home. Another 20 minutes were spent playing Grocery Survivor as I cast my vote for most important items, based on a) My stock of it at home, if any, and b) when would I really need it? Some items were switched out for smaller sizes and others were cast out of my basket to be picked up at another visit. You don't really ever notice how heavy a damn onion is. It didn't help that my list consisted of things like soy sauce, rice vinegar, Worcestershire, and tomato sauce.

I purchased one of those reusable grocery bags that no one ever buys and walked out of the store, only to feel horribly unbalanced. I quickly ran back in, bought another, and did my best to personify a pack mule. I made it home just as it got dark, so my total time was about 2 hours.

I've made a pledge to myself to get more exercise. Yesterday I took Diego for a walk around my neighborhood, which was only .8 miles. It was such a chore. Having a goal, like getting food, made this 2 mile walk seem effortless compared to yesterday. I just can't get exercise for the sake of exercise; I need to be doing something else that results in exercise as a side benefit. This may sound so very simple, but it's been what has been keeping me from getting into better shape.
Another obvious feature of the "Walk your ass to the store and carry your ingredients home" fitness plan is that you have to plan your meals ahead. Fast food is not an option; I am not going to walk a mile to eat crap that will only last one meal. I'd rather grab some groceries that will last me a few days. And I am not going to carry a gallon of ice cream home. ~~I could just always eat it on the way home before it melts.~~ I have a limit as to what I can carry and it's more practical to get things that are good for me.
By changing the [convenience to get there : longevity/quality of ingredients] ratio, meals suddenly become a lot healthier.

That's all. It all sounds so basic in retrospect, but I think it might be a simplified cause (one of many) of the the obesity crisis happening around us. In all fairness, I can't imagine following the above plan to feed a family of 4... which brings me to my discussion on why having too many kids... nevermind! haha. To each their own.

Oh, and one more thing: No more bottled water. I encourage you to read about just how lucky we are to have good drinking water flowing out of the tap. And while you're at it, read about what Dasani and Aquafina really are: Tap Water! It's the most ridiculous waste of money ever!

Don't like the taste of tap? Put a lemon in it! They aren't even that heavy!

Food and Thought

2008-07-15T00:48:00.001-07:00

Miso soup: Simple, delicious, nutritious. I made a large pot of it that should last me a few days if I control myself from having it at every meal.

This is also the first meal I've cooked in a very long time. My kitchen has been somewhat of a construction zone for the past couple months, and although it still is not complete, it is finally in working order. Finally.

You mix soybean paste and hot water. That's essentially it -- but take care not to let it boil -- and when the temperature is right, sip it straight from the bowl. Add more ingredients if you like; I always throw in some seaweed, little tofu cubes, and scallions.

Mark left today. The house is quiet and empty, save a few pieces of makeshift furniture here and there. Most things in my house are vaguely categorized as miscellaneous, making them ridiculously difficult to deal with. A pile here, a pile there, unmoving, waiting to be assigned.

I like keeping my ingredients simple and balanced. The seaweed weightlessly dances in the broth, tofu stays anchored, and scallions scatter on the surface.

Then there are the things that need to be done, those errands that have been escaping me but still surround me. I can see them in my peripheral vision, like a stranger that is following me, but I'd rather not turn to look. I don't want to deal with these tasks just yet. Now that I'm alone, I'm sure they'll start taking precedence. Maybe I'll get to them tomorrow.

And then there are the stationary things strewn in my field of vision. I put my youngest ferret, Ricky, to sleep on Thursday. Friday marked six years since my father died. I was in a car accident last week. I'm still not completely certain that I'm going off to school until we get approved for a lease, which has become increasingly difficult. I don't have a car, but I really don't have anywhere to go anyway. My only real task is to finish sorting my house and my life.

I'm ready for it to be September already, I am ready to move, I am ready to focus on the things that I love. I'm ready to call this long-distance relationship a thing of the past. It's time to start a life together.

I'm ready to be myself again.

Primitive living in a modern world

2008-06-09T09:35:00.000-07:00

It's a hearty broth of anger, frustration and confusion, with a dash of worry, a few pieces of hopelessness, served in a dread bowl. Cause dread rhymes with bread. And that's funny to me at this point. That's how bad things are.

Here's the scene: My home looks like a construction site, things are either in storage or in a mysterious pile in the kitchen that no map could ever define. So my belongings are either limited or their location unknown. (Imagine spending more time trying to find a pen than it would have taken to craft such a useful tool.)
My refrigerator is no more. I really should clean it out, as this procrastination is not a worthy opponent to the disintegration that is occurring in there. My only method of cooking is a microwave. So that limits my diet to non perishables that are simply reheated in their own container, since I don't have any dishes.
I also have no means of transportation. A few months ago, I took my truck to EZ Lube to have the oil changed, and they somehow interpreted it as taking the oil out and sending me on my merry way -- until my car sounded like a washing machine. The dealership confirmed that they had ruined my engine, so for the past two months it's been this back and forth of them trying to take my vehicle to "their" mechanic, assuring me that I'd get a great replacement, then later finding out with the help of my glorious attorney that they were just going to put a junk engine in it all along. My truck is sitting at the dealership, untouched. EZ Lube has been paying for my rental for the past 2 months, which I know has cost them over $3,000 so far -- and they are now not so keen on paying it for another month, which means I need to take the car back until an agreement is reached. I'm taking it back on an empty tank, because there is no way in hell that I am going to spend the last money I have on a tank of gas. They can bill me later when things are not so tight.
So I'm relying on public transportation, which isn't too bad -- just time consuming. The stops are usually a good distance from my destination, which added to the 100+ degree weather, makes me need to be extremely motivated to be going wherever I'm going.

I still don't think I have it that bad, I just wonder how all this happens so quickly.
I don't like that it puts me in this terrible state of mind, especially when I am trying to figure out my future -- September is approaching very quickly. Will my house sell? Will I be able to afford a place? Do I need to find homes for my kids?
I'm hoping that I'm standing too close and that I cannot see the whole picture.

My last day at work is on Friday, thankfully. I'm taking Mrs. Socks in at some point to have some growths removed and her tail worked on, all with my last minute employee discount. I'm excited about that, but also trying to figure out how I'll get her there to have it all done.

AAAAAAAND my deaf male ferret has started becoming aggressive with my two older females, one who is blind and the other who is bald. I'm not sure if he's trying to be aggressive; he just gets on them and starts grooming them very vigorously, then chomps into them. They scream and he can't hear them, so he keeps doing it -- resulting in injured ears and terrified ladies. So now I've got him locked up in a spare bedroom. MEN.

So those are all the outside factors that are making my life just a tad bit less convenient than usual.

And I'm my normal mess, father's day is coming up and with all the decisions that are being made, I'm needing him more than ever before. It's been a lonely time for me. I'm a creature of affection, and right now I lack an emotional or physical closeness to anyone, and it's slowly tearing me down inside. I'm just walking through this maze with no real desire to find the end. It's great that I got accepted to school -- but as of right now, I'm content with that accomplishment. If I go, then great, but quite honestly, I am so tired of life.
It's interesting, because I can remember my grandmother telling me that my mother used to feel the same way -- She said she didn't want to live to be old, because it was something she didn't look forward to. She lived to be 35. It's not a suicidal thought, but something else... what can we call it? Danielle could come up with a term for it, I'm sure. Sometimes I think that I carry a degree of that; I just don't want to be around anymore, but it's not up to me to make that happen. It's upsetting because there are people fighting to live -- and I'd give them my life in a second if it were transferable.
It's not as dark as it sounds, really... I just feel like a spectator to everything that is happening. If it works out, that's great, and if it doesn't -- I'll make due.

And I re-read this and it doesn't even sound like the person I was, or the person I'd like to be. I don't know what to do about this. It just doesn't seem like a way to live.

2008-06-01T21:12:00.000-07:00

I've been laying in bed most of the day, which considering my history, is a bit troublesome. I have a tendency to retreat here in an attempt to barricade myself from reality and solely listen to my own negative thoughts. Thoughts you may consider silly -- and that I will consider ridiculous in retrospect.
Things are feeling rather hopeless, I am doubtful, yet serenely apathetic. I stare at my ceiling and consider what it will be like a few months from now when my house doesn't sell and i'm in debt up to my eyeballs, having lost my chance at going to school yet again and having nothing to look forward to. I try to imagine that you won't leave me, but considering how unpleasant I will become, I wouldn't be surprised if you did. I realize how severely pessimistic this is... but having accepted this guarantees that I will not be let down.
It is better not to care; there is nothing worse than being bludgeoned by unfortunate events with an optimistic smile on your face, led only by mediocre hopes and ultimately falling exponentially harder into an abyss of failure -- something easily avoided by simply expecting nothing at all and taking it day by day.

No money
no food
no fridge

i'm lonely

i'm fucking tired of this orphan thing

i'm tired of my stoicism

i am tired of this life.

but what does it matter? I am one of billions of people on this planet, many whose hierarchy of needs aren't even satisfied on the most basic level, yet here I complain, typing away on my laptop computer in my air-conditioned home...
what a joke.

2008-05-20T22:08:00.000-07:00

My Supervisor has the IQ of a jelly donut.

Trash. Donate. Keep.

2008-05-18T13:02:00.000-07:00

I've been busy -- more so than when I use that phrase as a simple excuse. Honest to goodness busy. The kind of busy where you don't even know what the date is or what is happening in the next few days; you just wake up and tackle whatever is coming your way with no planning.

The kind of busy where you look down at you legs and swear up and down that you JUST SHAVED THEM but realize it's been more like a week since they've been anywhere near a razor.

My entire life has been reduced to boxes in a storage unit, and it's oh-so-wonderful. My house is now empty and uncarpeted, and I've taken refuge in what was once the ferret room, with only my mattress and laptop to keep me entertained. It's a bizarre waiting-for-the-future-to-get-here-already feeling. I am very ready to get to Davis and do my school thing. I am tired of working in the corporate mess that my animal hospital has become -- and I'm tired of working directly under someone who is, well, stupid. There's no other way to put it. My supervisor was promoted due to seniority rather than intelligence or common sense or TACT and everyday I try to keep my eye on the prize and not get supremely irritated. Ah, the mediocrity. I will not miss it. I will miss the dear friends that I made there, especially Chrissy. You don't really meet people like her very often because they just don't exist in great numbers.

I am very thankful that I've been in the workforce for 5 years with only a high school diploma as my highest level of education. I've been fortunate to nab jobs simply because I nailed the interview; I really have nothing on paper that gives me any intellectual credibility. I know the reality of what difference an education can make, and I'll never take that for granted.

It's also been a lonely past few months... my ferret and my grandmother died in the same weekend, Mark went back to school, and I sorted through an entire house and lifetime of memories. Trash. Donate. Keep. That's been the summary of this transition. Danielle is in Brazil, and I'm secretly jealous that she got to start her new life before me, and that she's in the middle of what will become my favorite chapter in her memoir.

I'll probably talk more about the grandmother's death in more detail as the emotions hit me. I'm so removed from it all right now that I haven't gotten past the initial shock of it all. I know that once I get to school I'll really want to tell her all about it because that was something that would have made her incredibly happy. I'm really not sure if I'll go to Mexico again, because she was my reason for going. I do have other family there, but it would just be odd. The 1000 miles to get there would pale in comparison to the emotional journey I'd be facing. We'll see. I'm trying not to think about the fact that the three people that were instrumental in my upbringing are all dead now... and I'm not really done growing up. It's a constant feeling of WAAAAAAAAIT don't go just yet there are more questions and I need your answers.
Luckily, even if the answers aren't there in real-time, I still hear them in the back of my mind. That's really the best reassurance there is.

I found this when I was going through my dad's old tax paperwork, and it made me really happy. My father was as new to grief as I was when my mother died, and yet he was such a pro when it came down to it. He listened, he was honest, and he got me through it. And finding this -- the fact that he held onto it -- just reminds me of how remarkable he was.

And that pretty much sums up my grief at this point in life: Uggggh they were so great why the hell are they gone? (insert sounds of frustration here)

And... that's about it.
I'm just standing here,
smack in the middle of a tight rope walk,
suspended between where I was and where I'd like to be...

but without the urge to jump.

Happy Day

2008-03-13T22:10:00.001-07:00

So what did I do today?

I bottle-fed newborn puppies
I got accepted to UC Davis.
I had fried ice cream in celebration.

I don't think it gets any better than that.

Procrastination...

2008-02-16T17:42:00.000-08:00

Of course. I have things I should be doing, yet I suddenly have the urge to write on my little blog. How convenient! But really, who am I to quell this unexpected writing spark?
There are all sorts of things going on, especially next month. Right now is a calm before a giant ~~storm~~ maelstrom of change. Good things, scary things, but all necessary things... here they are in no particular order.

UC Acceptance Letters: I hope. The last half of March is when I will be receiving my little letters of happiness. Keep in mind that I submitted my applications back in November, so I am starting to get a bit antsy... I mean, going off to school means relocating, which means Mark needs to find a job in that area, which means I need to sell my house and get a place where ever I go, which would require the house being in my name already....
End of Probate: The final court hearing is in the beginning of March. After over a year of court hearings and paperwork, the house will finally be out of my father's name and into mine.
FAFSA: I need to complete this dreaded financial aid thing by March 2nd. I dread it because every time I've completed it, it tells me that that I don't need any financial aid. "hello? did you see the question about being an orphan??" So this will be more interesting than anything, because I expect nothing from it. Prove me wrong, FAFSA!
Holly's Wedding: The highlight of this crazy time... a chance to get away for a weekend with great people celebrating something really great. I don't really count this as stressful (as i'm sure she does) but it is something that requires preparation, mainly because I'll see Mark again after almost 2 months...
Losing Weight: I'm down 11 pounds so far. I've cut out all my sugar and have been more active. I've even gone to the gym! Just for cardio, though. I'm still too intimidated by the strength training machines. I think it's been a little over a month since I finally got motivated enough to shed the pounds AND do something about it. It hasn't been hard at all. It's simply been a choice that I have to make every morning. It's not some giant obstacle anymore. You just get some momentum and eventually it becomes habit. I'd like to lose a little more in the next few weeks so that I can buy a cute dress for the wedding, because...
Mark comes back! Okay, this is not supposed to be on my stressful list, but dammit, he has had to listen to my dieting woes since he went back to Utah, so I need to at least have something to show for it. And you know, weddings do that thing where you get all lovey dovey and um, well, I wanna look good naked. That's pretty much the gist of it.
Roommate out: I should really make a post dedicated to this. I cannot wait for her to move out at the end of this month.
My Birthday: I'll be 23 on March 19th. I'm tired of not really doing anything exciting to celebrate. I want to do something neat this year... so I still need to come up with that. Also, weighing less would be great. Every year I've made this promise to myself that, "for my xx birthday, I want to look great!" This is mostly because I always hear women talking about the body they had in their 20's. Um.. if this is this is the body I'll be reminiscing about one day, then I'm in trouble.
Mark's Graduation: This should be in June. By then we'll know where I'm going to school and he will hopefully have found a job in that area. At this point I'll hopefully be in the process of putting my house on the market and getting ready to move. It's a bit of a gray area for both of us because we have no clue how things are going to fall into line. Will he go there first and start working? Get a temporary apartment on his own? What if he doesn't find a job? Who will help me move? Etc Etc Etc. I'm not thinking about it until I get there.

I need to do my taxes. Right. Now.
go go go go

It's not about you, it's about me.

2008-02-06T21:54:00.000-08:00

Beck - Lost Cause Lyrics
Your sorry eyes cut through the bone
Make it hard to leave you alone
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new
[chorus]:
Baby you're a lost, baby you're a lost
Baby you're a lost cause

There's too many people you used to know
They see you coming, they see you go
They know your secrets, and you know theirs
This town is crazy, nobody cares

[chorus]
I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause
There's a place you are going
You ain't never been before
No one laughing at your back now
No on's standing at your door
That's what you thought love was for

[chorus]
I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

Whitewater and the PCT

2008-01-26T18:10:00.000-08:00

Although I've got a fun hike planned for tomorrow, I really was antsy today to get my blood flowing. And since Mark is now in Utah, this would require leaving the house. I called up a few Dog Park buddies and we headed out to Whitewater.

I am so very impressed with the beautiful restoration that is going on there. What used to be an old trout farm is now being turned into a Visitor facility, campground, and picnic area. They aren't officially open, however we were welcomed by very friendly folks from the Wildlands Conservancy.
It's just a great thing that they're doing up there. I had visited that area about a year ago and it looked like a dump. The fish farm had been closed for who knows how long and there were dilapidated homes and junk everywhere. It was definitely a breath of fresh air. I can't wait to check it out again when they're officially open.

The best part? We were only 1/2 mile away from the Pacific Crest Trail, a trail that runs from Canada to Mexico. So with our sights on Mexico, we headed up up and up. I think we traveled all of 3 miles or so, but the elevation gain was killing me! It was a short and sweet hike that only took us 2 hours.

Burnt remains and new life

Diego in his proudest moment.

Cow Tracks! There were cowpies everywhere.

Me and my Robert

Water Break

Whitewater River

Diego leading the way

The view driving home
Snowy Mt. San Jacinto

What will tomorrow bring?

2008-01-25T22:16:00.000-08:00

I took a shower in the dark
scalding water numbed my skin
inhaling thick steam
a taste of reality

senses quelled
to truly listen to my heart.

Horse Thief Creek

2008-01-20T13:56:00.000-08:00

Carrizo Canyon was closed. Boooooo.
There were trails in other directions, so after deciding which one to take, Diego and I headed west. That's when I noticed one of many "Dogs Prohibited" signs. I need to get an updated version of my hike book, because this hike was listed as Dog-Friendly. Not one to break the rules (or scare off those endangered Bighorn Sheep) we got back into the truck... I was a bit disgruntled and Diego was very confused.
Instead of wasting the day, we headed up Hwy 74 into the Santa Rosa mountains. Horse Thief Creek was our new destination, about 2.25 miles of ups and downs via the Cactus Springs Trail.

Right away we ran into an old dolomite mine. Abandoned things usually creep me out, but I figured any monster or zombie or combination of the two would be no match for my fearless Doberman.

I still did not have the nerve to approach the abandoned cars, simply because scary movies have imprinted me with assumption that there WILL be a skeleton at the wheel. I snapped my pictures and quickly made my way out of there.

Right after this sign was another sign that had nothing on it, leaving my imagination to come up with what it might have said.

The ecosystem up there is called Chapparal; a transition ecosystem between Desert and Forest. It was nice to look to my left and see my familiar desert plants, then look to the right and see some pretty heavily wooded areas. There was even a bit of snow visible south of where we were headed.

About 2 hrs later, we arrived at Horse Thief Creek. I munched on some beef jerky while Diego explored a bit. We also played fetch with rocks, because it's hilarious to watch Diego try to find the exact rock that I threw into the stream.

As we made our way back, I found a baby Gap hat near the Dolomite mine. My first instinct was to get freaked out by this, but after a little thought, I doubted the existence of a Baby Gap Ghost. I put it on Diego and he loved it, as you can see.

We managed to make it back before sunset. The entire hike took about 3 hrs.

We stopped at Vista Point on our way down the mountain. I'm not sure when they fixed it up, but it looks so much better now. It used to be a crappy gravel parking lot with beer cans everywhere. Now it has a new parking lot, a barrier wall, and this nice plaque. It's worth checking out if you ever pass by.

I'd like to return to that hike sometime and try my hand at going all the way to Cactus Springs. I'd have to be up and ready by like 7am... so maybe not. I'm just not that advanced yet.

Dressed and Ready

2008-01-19T10:21:00.000-08:00

...by 10 am! On a Saturday! It's amazing!

Today's adventure: Carrizo Canyon. It should take about 4 hours.

We'll see how it goes.

What's Wrong?

2008-01-18T19:44:00.000-08:00

Mark left yesterday morning.

Someone needs to write a manual for me, entitled, How to survive a long distance relationship without wanting to stay in bed all day clutching a shirt that your love accidentally left behind that still retains their smell.

I know that i'll get through this, again, and that Mark will be back soon.
This knowledge does nothing for me. I'm really bummed out.

I spend a month falling even more in love with him, and then he has to go. So now I have to package away these feelings for another month or so; I have to get out of my in love state of mind and just grit my teeth and get through the time that he's not here.

I haven't talked to him since he left... a few text messages here and there, but no actual conversation on the phone. I just can't do it. Every time I think about him, my eyes well up with these pesky tears and I feel this obnoxious wrenching in my heart and in less than 30 seconds, I end up looking like a tomato. It's a terrible mess.

But in all seriousness, I'm tired. It's hard to ride this roller coaster of extreme emotions. I don't want to be sad anymore. I just want him to be here.... or anywhere with me. I don't like spending all my energy on myself; I don't like making dinner just for me or shopping for groceries that are just going to be consumed by me... or sleeping in a bed that only contains me. I can do it, but I just don't like it. ESPECIALLY because I'm lucky enough to have found someone that I'd like to do these things with for the rest of my life. I'm very fortunate... but why does it have to feel so terrible?

keep busy keep busy

I think I'll go on a Mother/Son hike with Diego tomorrow. I could definitely use the exercise.

As for now... I've got a shirt to sniff.

The day before he left

2008-01-17T20:54:00.001-08:00

The Painted Canyons in the Mecca Hills, Ca.

Speaking up and Feeling Good

2008-01-13T18:59:00.000-08:00

I'm not sure where the time goes, but I've noticed that having a job that doesn't involve me being parked in front of a computer all day really has an effect on my blogging and most things Internet related. I just feel like I'm living life now instead of just observing it and writing about it. I wonder if anyone else that blogs on a regular basis might feel the same way. I haven't written much at all lately... and it is something that concerns me. Am I keeping myself too busy? Or, perhaps, am I living in the moment rather than reflecting on it? Either way, I am happier. A little more tired at the end of the day, yes, but overall I am a lot happier. And I tend to show that with the smile that I awaken with every morning rather than writing about it on here.

Because if I'm not happy, my typing can't even keep up with my thoughts. Figures!

I've learned a few valuable lessons in the last few months, but most importantly, to never give up. So cliché, but damn true! Without going into too much detail, my mortgage company put me in a terrible spot financially because they didn't follow through on their end of the deal. I was a little behind on my house payment and I was offered a way to catch up; I just had to submit all sorts of paperwork. I was approved for it, yet my case was in "review" for months. I was told not to pay anything during my review. Then my faxes were lost. Reps couldn't give me straight answers. It was a mess. All a result of bad customer service and their terrible bureaucracy. They were going to auction off my house. It should have never gotten to that point. It was frightening and I was ready to give up.

But seriously, Fuck them. I need my damn house.

I decided to have a mature tantrum. I threw a sophisticated fit.
I went to the local news station and told them everything. All the lost faxes, the lies, the incompetence... and they did a story. And the mortgage company caught wind of it. Not more than 5 hours after the cameras left my house, everything was resolved, just the way it should have been months ago. They called and apologized and made it all better... because they didn't want to have bad press, especially right before Christmas.

So that was an interesting little adventure. I'm glad that's all over with.

I've lost 5 pounds. I stopped eating crap. Funny how easy it became once I stopped shoving sugar laden foods into my mouth. As with all my weight related endeavors, we'll see how it goes. I reinstated by gym membership, yet haven't gone yet. I just don't know where to start with exercising, because I want to just do it right. Luckily, I have a fitness knowledgeable co-worker that is going to help me develop a routine. Maybe next week... after Mark leaves back to Utah. That's a lot of my motivation; I won't be seeing him for a good 2 months, so I am looking forward to looking ~~amazingly hot~~ much healthier and more fit by then. I want to wear something that I feel fantastic in for Holly's wedding, not just some dress that I managed to squeeze into. We'll see.

I love my job, I love my man... and I'm getting back into loving life. And when I'm happy, I make delicious meals, including what Mark has bestowed "The Epic Breakfast":

I'm thinking that I'll throw a few recipes on here once in a while as I discover them or create them, mostly for fun, but also as a late start on the Cooking Challenge. No promises yet.

Mark's been here for a month now, and it's been an interesting time for us. Our relationship continues to evolve and go in directions that we didn't anticipate, sometimes good, sometimes not so good. It's never been bad, just not so good. Especially with all the financial stress and that whole house nightmare -- a lot of my negative crap was most apparent in our relationship. I can say now that things are back on track and wonderful... and now he's leaving. ::grumble grumble:: He leaves Thursday.

We went to the zoo today. Somewhere between the parking lot and the entrance, I turned into a 10 year old. I love animals. Not just, "hey look how cute!".... I have to read all about them and memorize facts and stare and wonder what it would be like to treat them and care for them. Or to watch a surgery on them. I'm ridiculous. After feeding the giraffes and having them lick my hands, I regretted not getting them to lick my face. Giraffe kisses!!! That would have been so amazing! Of course, Mark and every rational human being disagrees. I'm making a point of it next time.

I'm going to paint my nails now, because I get self conscious when I'm putting an IV catheter into an animals and my nails look like crap. Yes, I'm that ridiculous. :P

Oh, oh... I'm still in love with Mark, because were are totally meant to bee.

Except those are butterflies... and I couldn't come up with a butterfly pun.

Getting Rid of the Clutter

2007-11-19T14:48:00.000-08:00

I have a new roommate. Last weekend was spent clearing out the room that he is now occupying, which was my old childhood room turned into an office turned into the i don't know what to do with this so I'm putting in here room.

A lot was thrown away, but there was a lot of stuff that I just didn't know what to do with. I moved the office furniture into my room so the setup might actually be cool... but I wouldn't know that yet. I can't even see the floor at this point because everything I wanted to keep from the other room is now in my room.

I'm guessing a lot of it is go in the closet stuff, but my bedroom closet is already full. I don't even use my closet anymore because I've managed to pile things in there to the point of avalanche when the closet doors are opened.

So I braced myself and started cleaning my closet. Yikes.

I'm trying to just throw things out. OUT OUT OUT.

But I've got quite the large pile of stuffed animals. Mostly little bunnies from Easter baskets. They're too cute to be thrown out and a part of me still thinks they are alive. I don't think that they get up and have a party when I'm here or anything, I just can't bring myself to put them in a black trash bag and send them off to the stinky dump where no one will ever love them again and birds will peck out their eyes and they will die a horrible, smelly death. ITS SAD AND DISRESPECTFUL.

So not only am I googling all sorts of organizations that accept stuffed animal donations, I am also putting off any further cleaning for the next, say, half hour. Yes!

I think I'll make some dinner and do laundry and... trim the dogs nails. By putting off one giant task, I manage to do about 20 other things that need to be done. It totally makes up for it, right?

Venipuncture and the "death grip"

2007-11-16T20:25:00.000-08:00

It's been at my job for a month now, and I still love it. Normally, a month is plenty of time for that first bit of optimism to fade away. But not with this job.

Today I placed my first IV catheter. I think it was my 4th or 5th attempt to do so. Usually when I can't get it the first time, I give up. I don't like the idea of poking and digging around a dog's leg in order to find a vein when I am so inexperienced. So for the rest of the day, I was giddy. Earlier that morning, after an unsuccessful try, I had an "ugggh I'll never be able to do this!!!" moment. So yay me, i'm on my way to more experience.

I also killed a dog today. But then he came back to life. I'll explain.
It was a tiny pomeranian that needed to have some blood drawn, so I was holding him still so that we could get the blood from him. Squirming is not really something you want a dog to do when you're poking his jugular vein. Anyway, we finished pulling the blood and I was just loosely holding him when I said, "that's my death grip!" in reference to the way I kept this squirrelly little dog so very still. All of a sudden, he goes limp. He stops breathing, his eyes roll back and he's out! The tiny and very old little dog freaking died. I pass him over to someone else to check for a heartbeat and in the meantime i'm getting the crash cart ready and then the little guys decides to come back.
Good Lord. I can't even imagine having to explain that to the owners, who only brought him in for a checkup and blood work.

No more references to my death grip.

One Year Together

2007-11-12T17:15:00.000-08:00

Mark and I celebrated our self proclaimed anniversary on November 9th. Our actual anniversary is a bit hard to determine... since he was living in Utah, our relationship began online and over the phone, and after a few months of this we were officially "together", even though we still hadn't met in person... which still isn't true because I knew him from middle school and we saw each other in high school, but we hadn't really been friends or talked for 7 years... so it was a bit confusing. November 9th, 2006 was the day that I finally flew up there after months of late-night (and all-night) phone conversations and endless emails.

Mark flew into Long Beach airport Friday afternoon, all dressed up and looking mighty fine. I picked him up wearing my best little black dress and the tallest heels I could find. We drove into Orange county and had dinner at a gorgeous restaurant perched on the side of a hill overlooking the city of Orange. The view was absolutely amazing and our server was really nice.

We waited until we were at our table to exchange gifts. Mark had a funny grin on his face up until this point, and I was unsure as to why.... until I opened his gift. I carefully removed the wrapping paper, in the middle of the fancy restaurant, candles flickering... and this is what I saw:And for the rest of the evening, I did my best to conceal the naked people from our server and everyone that walked by.
My gift to Mark was a monogrammed flask. Now he's one of the cool kids.

We spent the weekend together and it was wonderful. And even though it was just a short visit, it was so nice to be with my love and make an event of our milestone together. And it's also nice that the goodbye at the airport wasn't sad -- he'll be back for thanksgiving.

I just love my hunny.

Miso Hungry

2007-11-05T20:17:00.000-08:00

Eating healthy seems to be really expensive. I feel like I spent less when I ate Jack in the Box for lunch and could only afford ramen noodles and cans of soup for dinner.

Now that I'm working, I've been a health food junkie. Veggies and deliciousness, oh my! Tonight I gorged myself on homemade Miso soup with a little too much seaweed thrown in. I've been snacking on fruit to hold me over at work, and have been eating chicken/veggie lunches.

I keep finding myself at WalMart on my days off to restock. And I end up spending what I feel is an obscene amount of money each time. Then again, I'm cheap when it comes to grocery shopping. But still... it would be cheaper to just buy junk.

I'm just determined to eat well and feel good. In all of my past jobs, I was usually just sitting all day. Now, with all the running around and lifting and crouching, It has become pretty apparent that I need to be in better shape in order to get through the day.

So we'll see how long this kick lasts. :)

Add it to the list

2007-10-29T14:53:00.000-07:00

I've discovered that I have another odd interest:
DRAG SHOWS ARE AWESOME! :P

I went to a Halloween themed drag show and had a really great time. It was so fun!

Ferret Scare

2007-10-28T17:59:00.000-07:00

Right before heading out to go grocery shopping, I went into the ferret room to say hi to the kids and feed them some dinner. After serving up a nice cup of kibble, I proceeded to nudge each ferret to let them know that their food was awaiting them.

Mischief wasn't very responsive at all. She looked almost dead.
I noticed she had caught one of her nails on her blanket and wasn't able to get up... and she was way dehydrated. She was so limp and dazed... I knew she'd die soon if I didn't do something. So I tried to feed her some calorie supplement and water with a syringe, but she was too weak to take it. I wrapped her up in one of my shirts and headed to work. On a Sunday afternoon, it was the only place that I could take her.

After a large amount of subcutaneous fluids (which she quickly absorbed like a little sponge), and a little bit of time, she was back to herself. Had I not taken her to the hospital, she would have died.

It's just amazing how fragile life can be if you aren't careful.

Computer Crashes and Bulldog Love

2007-10-25T22:57:00.000-07:00

I've been MIA for a few days now as my computer crashed on me and I haven't been able to get online. I feel like I've been in a cave. My computer is still non functional but I am hoping that it will work as soon as one of Mark's brilliant friends takes a look at it. I am fortunate that a friend of mine basically gave me her unstable laptop... "If you can get it to work, it's yours!" It's a fairly new Toshiba that threatens you with imminent doom every time you start it up. But that's okay, because I like living on the edge. Oh yeah.

I'm online and I've managed to catch up on all my unread Google Reader posts. I feel so good.

In other news, I LOVE MY JOB. LOVE IT. I can't believe that I worked for so long doing things that I didn't love. You spend too much time at work to not like it. Granted, my feet hurt and sometimes I want to take a nap... but that's the extent of it. I don't dread the next day and the days are just flying by.
I looooove these dogs. All the dogs are great, but I've found that have a total bias towards English bulldogs. Sometimes the dogs stay for 20 minutes, sometimes they stay for 2 weeks. Either way, I'm happy to see them go, even though I love giving them smoochies the entire time they're in the hospital.

I'm going to bed because I'm responsible and because I've gotten my Internet fix for the evening. Hooray for my dependence on technology! :P

Happy Birthday

2007-10-20T00:21:00.000-07:00

You'd be 73 today. It's hard to imagine you being that old... but then again, you never acted your age anyway, ya old fart.

I wish you could go back to making me laugh instead of making me cry. I miss you.

New Job

2007-10-15T18:18:00.000-07:00

I started my new job today as a vet tech. I love it.

It's tough. You have to go from "awww I love animals! they are so cute!" to "this dog has no chance and we need to hurry up and euthanize it."

My morning started off with a 12 year old white chow mix that had been hit by a car. Since I had only been there fifteen minutes and I didn't know where anything was, I was basically stuck standing there, watching this dog pant heavily and let out a few whimpers. I can't really describe the feeling that I got when I saw the x-ray; his spinal cord was broken at a 90 degree angle and there was absolutely no hope. It was a sort of a helpless feeling coupled with the urge to go back in time and change the course of events that morning. The owners authorized the euthanasia and opted not to be present and to not have the ashes returned to them. I understand that everyone is different, but I couldn't help but feel a sense of abandonment. But then again, they did bring the dog in in the first place, so it was unfair to assume that they didn't care.
I held his paw while they euthanized him. It was so fast. Although it makes me sad to think about it, it was incredibly relieving to see his body suffer so terribly and then just stop in a matter of seconds. I closed his eyes when no one was looking and gave him a little scratch behind the ears. And that was it. He was placed in a black bag and I took him back to the crematorium.

It was business as usual.

So it's pretty apparent that I am a total softy. I felt a tear when I was walking back from the crematorium, but there wasn't time to be sad because there was another emergency case arriving. All this before 9am.

I've already found a mentor among the techs and I can tell that we will be getting along very well. I'm a bit overwhelmed by the things that I need to learn, but I feel so comfortable in that environment. Finally, a job that fits. It's like searching for that perfect pair of pants and finally finding them. And then getting paid to wear them. Oh yes.

I'm exhausted, my feet hurt and I want to just go to bed now.
I can't wait for tomorrow.

Let it be known...

2007-10-13T01:25:00.000-07:00

Mark just drunk dialed me for the first time ever. Awwwwwwww! It was actually really cute and sweet. hooray!
So being the wonderful girlfriend that I am, I directed him to call 1-800-734-0880, where he could leave a message that gets posted on drunkdial.org, the "official drunk dialing site." It was pretty hilarious. I recommend all of you to put this number in your contacts list and to also make sure that your friends have it as well.

Thursday Thirteen

2007-10-11T19:54:00.000-07:00

I already received a call back from the animal hospital to start Monday... so along that theme, here are 13 pets that I've had:

1. Bonita the Cat - Technically, this was my mom's cat, but she's the first pet I remember having. She disappeared after my mother died. My grandmother (think old-school, die-hard, Mexican seventh day Adventist) always said that this cat cried real tears and meowed all night after my mother's death. This makes me laugh only because it is one of 1,000 things that my grandmother swears by, and I think are just a little exaggerated.

2. Daisy the Cat - This cat lasted until I was 6. She got stuck in the garage door a few times and managed to survive without a trip to the vet, and I was fed the explanation that cats have nine lives. She "ran away" and I regret never asking my father what really happened to that cat.

(I'm looking outside to the animal cemetery in the backyard to try and remember who's next)

3. Snow the Rat - This little white rat sat on my shoulder and in my pocket all the time. I took her to the street fair every weekend and we were great friends. I was 7 or so. And as a good pet owner, I even rented a male rat from the pet shop so that she could have a "honeymoon". The ensuing screaming and clawing coming from the cage made me never want to have a honeymoon. When she died (not from that! just old age) my father made her a Corian casket and I had a funeral for her and buried her in the backyard, to be exhumed a few months later. Doesn't every kid want to see what decomposition does??

4. A rabbit. I don't remember her name.
My neighbor has tons of rabbits in hutch in his backyard. Then he has a barbecue/pool party. Then the rabbits are gone, save a few. The day I put those events together was the day I ran over there and picked one out as a pet. She was pretty feral, but I was just happy to have saved her. She ended up being pregnant and had two tiny pink bunnies, one of which she squished. The surviving bunny was...

5. Honeybunny - The cutest bunny ever. Then again, HoneyBunny took snow's place as a fixture in my pocket at the street fair. I even had that little bunny leash trained. You have to picture me, in my tie die nightmare outfit, walking a tiny bunny on a leash in the middle of a street fair. Let me help you imagine this:

I soon became a bunny enthusiast and built my own rabbit hutch in the back yard. I dug trenches and put up chicken wire. I went next door and adopted a big black and white, virile male rabbit and put everyone together. A week later, they all died. I think he was sick. Or perhaps, a murder suicide.

6. Turtle the Turtle - I still have this guy. I bought him at an outdoor market in Guadalajara, sent him right through the x-rays at security, and hopped on a plane with him. He's quadrupled in size and I expect him to be around for quite a while. He's awesome.

7. Mrs. Socks the Dog- Right around my tenth birthday I got a puppy from some distant relative. I walked up to the litter and picked the cutest little tail-less puppy. I looked at her white little paws and deemed her Socks and we have been friends ever since. She's more human than dog and has a great sense of humor. You can usually find her napping on my living room table. I hope she can stick around for a few more good years.

8. Joe the Iguana - He was my 11th birthday present. I was way too young to have a reptile. I didn't know enough about reptile care so he died 3 years later from calcium deposits on his kidneys. The vet pointed this out to me by squeezing Joe's sides and causing him silently grimace in pain... like a silent scream. Then he put him to sleep. I'll never forget that Vet's insensitivity. It was after this that I became really obsessed with knowing the proper care for my pets in order to make sure they have the best life possible. There is far too high of a price to pay for not knowing.

9. Alamander the Salamander - I saw this adorable thing at WalMart in the fish department. I didn't know what it was but it was so cute. The inexperienced girl in that department explained, "Someone told me they grow legs or something." I dismissed that notion and brought my little creature home. Sure enough, his little antler things came off and he sprouted legs. I gave him some land in his tank and he was as happy as could be. Amazed with my little amphibian, I went out and purchased..

10. Becky the Salamander - My two salamanders lived for a good seven years. I want to have a few more at some point in the future. They're so darn cute! They're great observation kind of pets... not really fond of being held. You just feed them and keep their habitat nice and sometimes they'll flash you a little salamander smile.

11. Two Rats - They were left at my house by my little sister's mother (we share the same father, not the same mother) when they were installing tile in her home and then she "forgot" to pick them up. The reality was that my sister wasn't taking care of them (because by having animals, she was automatically supposed to be responsible instead of it being a learned trait) and so her mother was tired of the smell and having to feed them. So she half-assed pawned them over to me (way to go setting an example for your child! tired of animals? give your problems to someone else!) They lived for a good while until I noticed one lying motionless in the cage. Upon closer inspection, I noticed her head was missing. I quickly learned that rats are scavengers, and what was once a cage mate becomes food after they die. At first I was appalled... but then I realized that they are pretty damn efficient critters. The smell of death would probably attract predators, so eating fallen friends makes sense. Right? Anyway, Cannibalina out-lived her dinner pal by a few months.

12. The Ferrets - Over the course of one year, I accumulated 5 ferrets. First it was Charlotte and Mischief from a shelter in Phoenix. Then Buddy and Hazel from a lady in LA. Then Ricky from a shelter in Las Vegas. Buddy is now dearly departed, but I still have the other four to drive me crazy and hide all my things. Ricky is Deaf, and Charlotte is blind. So once in a while I hear terrified shrieks coming from their room... Ricky's trying to play with Charlotte, who can't see him and is trying to tell him she's in no mood to play - and he can't hear her.

13. Diego the Doberman - At around age 19 I put my maternal urges to rest by having a puppy. He's been my protector and best buddy ever since, and he keeps Mrs. Socks young. He makes late night runs to the ATM (or anywhere, really) really fun.

I think I might be an animal lover.

Whooop!

2007-10-11T14:15:00.001-07:00

The interview went as well as it possibly could. I'm excited. Diego has his paws crossed!

Road Trip Preface

2007-10-10T13:26:00.000-07:00

I took a road trip with my little sister this weekend. Originally it was going to be a three person trip, but my friend Robert wasn't able to come with us AT THE LAST MINUTE. Of course, that's what he does, so I can't act too surprised. Or be upset. Robert is my best ~~gay~~ guy friend so he's off the hook this time.

Overall, the trip was amazing. We took a ton of pictures so I'll wait until I get them onto my computer before talking about every little part of the trip.

My father and I would take month long road trips across the country every few summers. I didn't really understand the importance of it at the time and I didn't understand that most kids didn't have the same opportunities to see what I got to see. We hit every historical place, drove across Canada, and spent some really memorable times together. It made history class so much more fun because I had been to the places I was learning about. So although I've lived in this town my entire life, I do have an understanding of what it's like in other places... and so I'm not afraid to set up roots somewhere else.

It was important to me to be able to pass that same tradition onto my sister. It may have only been a 3 day weekend, but it still was great and beneficial for her. She met new people, saw new places, and hopefully learned a few things. Not just tangible things, but also little things like speaking up when people ask you questions and that it's okay to show your emotions on the outside and not scowl all the time, and for god's sake STOP ROLLING YOUR EYES AT ME. I had to constantly remind myself that she's 13. A teenager. Yuck.

My first job interview is tomorrow at an animal hospital. It's a 24/7 hospital, so I'm thinking I'm twice as likely to get hired because they are open twice as longer than other hospitals... right??

I'm looking forward to posting the road trip pictures as soon as I get them! :D :D

You just have to believe

2007-10-01T11:59:00.000-07:00

For those that doubt the power of prayer:
A new Sonic's drive thru has been built less than a mile away from my house, and it's the only Sonic's within an 80 mile radius.

I could WALK there with Diego. I'm excited.

He's gone again.

2007-09-30T23:29:00.000-07:00

Mark left today. I'm not sure how I feel about it.... yet. I keep feeling like he's going to walk in any minute now and snuggle me, among other pleasant things, to sleep. But he's not. Another countdown begins; Thanksgiving becomes the next thing to look forward to.
Saying goodbye at the airport was different this time... there were no tears, just a tiredness in my heart. The airport goodbyes are such habit now that it becomes exhausting to think about the loneliness that will ensue. It was so matter-of-fact today, something that we had no control over so it wasn't worth making a fuss about. I don't believe that is any reflection of how we feel about each other; rather it simply shows how we feel about this long distance thing.

Two months ago I wrote that I was going to lose weight. I haven't. At ALL. I've got a ton of excuses, some of them actually legitimate, but mostly just nonsense. This gung-ho attitude followed by disappointment is my worst enemy... but this time around I felt disappointment from Mark, and it changed things a bit. Not just disappointment about the weight, but just a general disappointment in me. I'm not that sad about it, because he has all the right in the world to feel that way - It just changes things a bit. It forces me to think outside of myself in relation to my attitude and my appearance. I really need to make a change, a long term, slowly-but-surely change. Days seem to pass so slowly yet the months fly by. I don't understand where the time goes; why, in my quietest moments, it moves so slowly... yet when I blink my eyes it seems to have made up for that sluggishness by passing me by completely.

I'm not really sure how I feel right now. I have a fairly busy day tomorrow so all I really need to do is go to bed and get up at a decent hour.

My dogs are always affected whenever Mark leaves. They immediately notice the sudden availability of that side of the bed.

It's kinda nice to never have to sleep alone.

A September to Remember

2007-09-26T00:34:00.000-07:00

I've been unemployed this entire month. I don't like talking crap about people when they sign my paychecks, so I haven't really divulged that my ex-boss was a total nut job. Seriously. The type of person that makes you kinda cock your head to one side and wonder what planet she may have come from that employs such illogical thinking. I mostly felt that my job was to serve as a buffer between her and the patients at her dental office; a mediator and a translator and mostly the one who would salvage relationships and keep patients from fleeing to another office, as justified as they were in wanting to leave.

Then after a while I found myself becoming more of a patient advocate, mostly fighting with her on their behalf and subtly pointing out her irrational ways of thinking. This started happening when I noticed how she was ripping people off unintentionally; she wasn't trying to screw them, she just seriously forgot that she made deals with them, then tried to collect the usual amount for the services provided - and be rude and send them to collections for not paying the new amount. She added unauthorized charges all the time - looking at a patient ledger was like solving a puzzle that was missing half the pieces. She seriously forgot things ALL THE TIME. Hell, she'd make me promises and forget them on a continual basis. It might have to do with that fact that she never ate anything except hershey's kisses and I rarely saw her drinking anything other than alcohol. I can't really summarize how nuts she was, all I can say is that it was a little frightening that a woman in her 50's, running a business, could be so dumb and nuts. I honestly went beyond the call of duty for this woman, namely when she subjected me to seeing her in the form of a tomato faced alien... I can't even slice tomatoes anymore without thinking about it.

We amicably parted ways; she threw away my time card because she thought I didn't need it, I told her it was unacceptable to destroy my records as they are my property, she felt threatened and told me that I was holding her hostage in her office and promptly pointed out the location of the door... but all without really firing me. She made it my choice, because she is not one to ever be held accountable for her actions, ever. What a relief to be out of there. All in all, I'm happier, even though my money situation is a bit scary - for now.

But about a week later, Mark came into town and everything was all better. The timing was pretty great - I mean, now would be the time to be unemployed. He's here to kick my ass if I am slacking on the job hunt and he's here to lift my spirits when I start feeling down.

And it has gotten ugly, probably worse than ever before. Something happens when I get incredibly depressed, and it's something that I can remember happening since I was about 6 years old. I just don't want to live. And I sit here now and type this and I KNOW it's ridiculous because I've seen the firsthand effects of suicide and how terrible it is. It's just an awful awful thing... yet I go to this place once in a while and none of that even registers. And it's not some tormented, bloody, "oh look at me I want to die! life sucks!" kind of thing; it's a very peaceful, "I don't like this game and I'd like for it to be over" way of thinking that just surrounds me. It's overwhelming and deafening. It's my darkest secret.
I'm writing about it because it's something that I need to deal with by figuring out exactly what sets off this behavior; what it is that knocks over that first domino. It's a bit scary, but I need to be open and honest with myself and others about this.

I've been ~~unemployed~~ on mandatory vacation for 17 days. Things are looking up on the job hunt so far and I'm a bit excited about the prospective jobs that I might have. I'm shooting high because I have nothing to lose, however if I am not employed by month end, I will get a job that is easy to obtain and easy to drop when a better one comes around.

I love that Mark is here, even if it is only for a few more days. What would normally be a ridiculously stressful time has become a very wonderful opportunity to spend more time with the person I love the most. I think I may have needed this break from things. It has set me back a bit financially, but it has benefited me emotionally tenfold. And I'm completely satisfied with my relationship with Mark; I'm just so very confident about us, our future, our everything. It's funny how I keep loving this person more and more every day.

We also did something completely insane that has brought us even closer, much to the surprise of everyone that knows about it. Ask at your own risk.

This post has been a bit up and down, but that's exactly how this month has been. I'm happy to say that all in all, things are going to be just fine. I am looking forward to what lies ahead.

This optimism has nothing to do with the ice cream I am about to eat. I promise.

A little over 100 miles from here...

2007-09-01T15:54:00.000-07:00

Every few weeks, I really get into the Mexico/U.S. immigration issue; I dive head first into every bit of information that I can find, first hand accounts, articles... and a lot of extremist viewpoints. I don't know where I stand on the issue, I only know that it bothers me a lot. I don't like that I live my life day to day and I don't really think about it until I'm not busy doing the things that people are practically dying for every day.
So I submerge myself with all this information, as if the suffering is somehow lessened if I don't turn a blind eye to it - it's a nice idea, in theory, that my empathy and ganas to do something about it make it more tolerable to those going through terrible times and desperation, but that's simply not the case. Its overwhelming to think about most of the time because it affects so many people and it's so complicated - so many factors to consider, so many lives and families and.... raaaaagh! I can't even formulate my opinion because I can't wrap my head around it all. And because I don't have a concrete stance and solution to this whole thing, I don't go voicing my thoughts, I don't get into debates about it... because I just don't know what to say.

And I think that's why there hasn't been any progress with immigration. People who consider every angle don't have a surefire solution, whereas the voices we do hear are those who are on the very edge of each side of the issue: "open the borders!" they cry, or, "build a fence!" And neither makes any sense.

How many of us have been hungry? Or worked until our hands bled, yet still clasped them together to pray that one day things will be better, to live solely on faith because that's all we have, where death and illness are not tragedy, merely something that is a daily part of life, as common as waking up and watching the sun rise as another working day begins...

I can't say that I have. And not because I am deserving of living a better life, but simply because I was born here.

I don't know what I can do. I've found that people don't like to talk about sad things, especially when they can't offer a solution. I can only hope that I can find some way to make a change soon, however miniscule.

"Vanity keeps persons in favor with themselves who are out of favor with all others"

2007-08-28T15:02:00.000-07:00

Someone who is more a business acquaintance than a friend asked me if I could drop her off at the hospital and pick up her up later because she was having surgery. The way she described it made it sound like she was fixing some medical condition, so I happily agreed. She didn't really want anyone else to know that she was having surgery, not even her son. RED FLAG. Whatever. Then she mentions that she is also having a laser peel at the same time... she's taking a week off of work so she might as well have a peel, right?
So of course, I googled "laser peel" so that I'd have an idea of what she was about to put herself through, and when I started telling her what to expect, she told me she didn't want to know. RED FLAG. And when I questioned her about the original procedure, she said she didn't really know and didn't really want to know. RED FLAG.

On the way to her appointment, she told me that upon picking her up, the nurses would probably insist that I stay with her for the first 24 hours... and just to tell them that I would. But not to worry, "just drop me off at home." umm... okay. Say it with me, folks: RED FLAG.

So four hours pass and I get the call from the nurse -- she's ready. I sit out front in the car and wait.

And there she is, this tiny framed woman with the largest head I have ever seen. She's wrapped up and her face looks like she spent the day with a boxing kangaroo. Pink and swollen and shiny from multiple layers of vaseline, she's dazed and she looks like hell. She's so puffy that she can't blink or move her face at all. She looks like an alien in a wheelchair.

I get her home and into bed, do all the things for her that she can't do for herself, help her take her pills and then go fetch more water from the kitchen. I come back to the room and she's snoring. Her eyes are open and she's snoring. Mrs. Tomato Head is sleeping with her eyes open. Later I find out from the pleasant woman on the phone that this is completely normal and that she's loaded with goop so that her eyes won't dry out. Lovely.

So now what? What do I do? I had no idea it would be so bad, I felt compelled to stay just in case she were to wake up disoriented and heaven forbid she trip and fall and land on her ballooning face... but I didn't sign up for this. I was her ride, not her nurse, and I'm not THAT close to this woman. I couldn't call anyone to stay with her because I couldn't think of anyone that would. It was... sad.

I went home, fought with myself for a while because even though she didn't inform me that I'd need to be her nurse, I'm still a human being and I help when I can. But she's an adult. She should have known what she was getting herself into. It was unfair to hold myself responsible for her well being.. right?

I didn't go back until this morning to take her to her post operative appointment, and she was fine. A little less swollen, but still unrecognizable. While she was in getting bandages changed, I asked a few questions and came to find out that she had just had herself a facelift.

A FACELIFT! And a very expensive one, at that.

I could have taken her out back and beat the living hell out of her and she'd look exactly the same, all for free.

So what bothers me is that she really didn't need it in the first place. She put herself in such a terrible condition for this cosmetic procedure that she really didn't need, just to have a slight difference afterwards? And I understand that she didn't want anyone to know about it, but at least be honest with the person that does know.

***Note to self: Do not pair a large bank account with low self esteem.

So i'll be doing the best I can to help her. I don't mind it as long as it isn't at my expense.. I'm using her car to run her errands and I am not going to stress myself out like I did yesterday.

Ah, to be beautiful.

2007-08-27T16:05:00.000-07:00

If you are having a cosmetic procedure that leaves you incapacitated during your recovery, and you don't have anyone to take care of you... *perhaps* your wrinkles should not be your main concern.

i'll explain as soon as I can digest what happened today.

Hedgies

2007-08-27T13:36:00.000-07:00

Go read this!
Orphaned hedgehogs adopt cleaning brush as their mother

Oh hedgies, how I love you.

Back to School

2007-08-27T12:21:00.000-07:00

I've registered for a math class this semester. As much as I would love to sign up for a full schedule, I just can't. I've come to accept that I cannot be a full time student at this point in my life, and it isn't due to lack of commitment or motivation... it's because of a lot of little things that frankly irritate me beyond belief. Thinking about it just evokes this overwhelming feeling of hopelessness... yes, i am dramatic... but it's only because I really want and need to go to school, and I can feel my brain shrinking due to inactivity. I sleep on my back because I'm afraid to wake up to pieces of unused cerebral matter on my pillow.

I can't go to school full time because I have to make money. I have responsibilities that I didn't really ask for, but will be fortunate to have in the long term. Right now, they hinder things. And by "they", I mean my mortgage and the costs associated with owning a home.

My cost of living is high. I have to get a well paying job to survive. I have to work full time. I can't get a better job without education. I cannot go to school full time because I am working full time. I cannot get financial aid to compensate for the money I'd be out if I went to school full-time. I get less aid for going half-time. So my only choice is to hardly go to school at all, which is fine with me because I need to do something. So at this point, I hardly qualify for aid at all... just a waiver for my school fees. I'm thankful for this, but there's a lot of running around in order to get this waiver. Nothing in life is free. My class will not cost me money, but it will cost a lot of effort and time. I have to resubmit papers that I have already submitted, namely my parents' death certificates.
Now I know this is how the world works, sometimes you just have to be repetitive to be part of the system, the bureaucracy, etc etc deal with it already my darling this is the way it goes...
But I am bit tired of schlepping my parents' death certificates back and forth to the financial aid office, I'm tired of the hardly audible "aww" when I hand them to the clerk, and the way they look at my date of birth to try and make sense of the situation. I wouldn't mind all of this if their sympathy resulted in more financial aid... hell, I'll bring in a photo album and shed some tears if the could just help me go to school full time. I have no problem playing the orphan card because frankly, my father would encourage me to do it. It's not something that I can change, so I might as well get the best use out of it.

Before I go through all of this fee waiver stuff, I have to fill out the FAFSA. This is the federal aid application which I have memorized by now and gotten absolutely nothing from. It specifically asks if I am an orphan so that my parents' finances are omitted. It also qualifies me as an independent student... which works against me. In a nutshell, it basically tells me : "We have determined that you can spend 20% of your yearly income on school, and since your tuition is less than that, we aren't going to help you. You are a big girl now, roll with it and make it on your own, my dear."

So tonight I will go home, dig up the necessary paperwork, hopefully get my classes for free and ravenously start school again. In the end, I still feel fortunate that I have these facilities available to me, that I can become educated, even if getting there requires a melodramatic blog post and a bit of paper shuffling.

But the most important question remains:
What will I wear for my first ~~day~~ night of school??? omg omg

You don't appreciate all things I do for you

2007-08-23T08:30:00.000-07:00

I am a morning person when I wake up energized.

But... That's usually not the case.
My alarm goes off at the appropriate hour, giving me the perfect amount of time to calmly start my day and do everything I have to do before heading off to work.
Of course, after hitting the snooze 5 or 6 times and bargaining with myself - "if I take 5 more minutes of sleep, I'll take a really quick shower!" I end up not having enough time.
Today wasn't as bad. I managed to pack my lunch and get out the door right on time.... without my lunch. 2 minutes down the road I realized I had forgotten my afternoon salvation of a lunch and hurried back to retrieve it...

But the dogs had eaten it. THEY ATE IT. I WAS GONE FOR 2 MINUTES AND THEY ATE IT. I solemnly gazed outside to the backyard where the plastic bag that once contained my delicious lunch had been mercilessly ripped to pieces.

I returned to my car as I rambled on about my ungrateful dogs and how they are going to be banned to the backyard forever and how i am never going to talk to them again and how would they like it if they were late for work because I ate their lunch and how they are ruining my attempts at remaining sane in this world...

and then I smiled as I realized that I'd have to go buy some cheap, delicious tacos for lunch.

Thursday Thirteen

2007-08-16T17:31:00.000-07:00

13 Jobs I've had in my life

1. Delivered food from Restaurants, dressed in a Tuxedo.
2. Sold CD's for a Peruvian Band and occassionally performed with them.
3. Manufactured and sold cutting boards
4. Math Tutor
5. Gave free samples of a skin healing cream and promptly convinced people to buy it
6. Mortage Loan Proccessor
7. Took care of an elderly woman
8. Receptionist at a dog groomer's... where getting peed on was part of the job
9. Accounts payable at Lawrence Welk's resort
10. Dressed up as a saloon girl and handed out poker chips at a fake old west town, for corporate parties
11. Front desk for a psychologist- I did a lot of medical billing as well as hooking people up to EEG machines and reading their brainwaves.
12. Cooked and served food at a Cinco De Mayo party where I was the only Mexican in a 3 mile radius.
13. Taught a water aerobics class for mostly old women (to disco music, no less)

So I'm applying for a part time job... because I'd just like to do something productive with my weekends. I realized as I was filling out apps that I've done a lot of stuff, mostly jobs that I didn't list on my employment history, because they were... well... silly. I'm sure I've forgotten some of the weirder ones, for good reason!

Anyway, I've been sleeping a lot lately, which may have to do with the fact that I'm eating once a day. Payday is tomorrow, so that will no longer be an issue. I've never been more excited to go grocery shopping in my life!

Future sister in law morphed my picture and hers with the caption of, "If you and Mark have a daughter, this is what she'd look like when she grows up." My opposition to having children just keeps getting strengthened... lol.

Morphthing.com

2007-08-09T20:04:00.000-07:00

This site allows you to morph two people's faces together, and the results are... creepy yet fun.
It takes a bit to get your photos ready to morph, but it's worth it!

So here you have it: My offspring with Mark.

And then I just morphed my photo with people that I think are attractive.

Angelina
Carmen Electra
Tyra
Marilyn
And... Yoda

Anyway... if you do this, let me see it!!! :P

My First...

2007-08-09T18:57:00.000-07:00

Sleepy eyed and rushed, I began my journey - once again, time was against me. There were no obstacles ahead of me, and I used this to my advantage; I hastened my pace in order to compensate for my lack of time. My stomach reminded me that I should have taken care of my hunger before departing, and my mind was adrift with thoughts of pancakes and eggs and bacon.

I became his target. The hunted.
Blue and Red Lights. He was agile and the chase was over almost before it started.
I alerted him of my surrender and pulled over.

THOSE MOTORCYCLE COPS COME OUT OF NOWHERE!

Today, I started my day with my first speeding ticket.

I'm not upset about it. I'm actually a bit amused.

The reason I got my ticket was not because I was speeding; it was because I was speeding and not paying attention. My reasoning is as follows:

I always speed.
I always am on the lookout for police when I do so.
I manage to spot them quickly and adjust and/or there is some schmuck near me going faster and they get pulled over instead.
I tend to think I am pretty darn lucky 90% of the time.

So he was brief about it, I acknowledged that I was speeding... it was a very pleasant exchange. He was totally nice... except for the whole "I'm still giving you a ticket" thing. And as I sat there and waited for my citation... I was laughing at myself. Maybe it's because it was so minor, because I have bigger fish to fry in my life right now... I don't know. He handed me my ticket and I actually said, "thank you!" in the most sincere and pleasant manner.

Who does that???? Who on earth thanks a cop for writing them a ticket??????

The whole thing was a bit reassuring... if he managed to get me, someone who is a considerate yet hurried driver... then the probability of him catching one of those maniac jackasses who cut people off and go waaaay too fast is pretty good, right? I hope my logic is correct.
So for now, I've slowed down a bit... and I'm watching out for the 5-0.

The best part?? My boss arrived at work 5 minutes after I did. Had I taken my time, I still would have arrived before her, albeit late.

How Can I Tell You?

2007-08-04T15:13:00.000-07:00

How can I tell you that I love you, I love you
but I can't think of right words to say
I long to tell you that I'm always thinking of you
I'm always thinking of you, but my words
just blow away, just blow away
It always ends up to one thing, honey
and I can't think of right words to say
Wherever I am girl, I'm always walking with you
I'm always walking with you, but I look and you're not there
Whoever I'm with, I'm always, always talking to you
I'm always talking to you, and I'm sad that
you can't hear, sad that you can't hear
It always ends up to one thing, honey,
when I look and you're not there
I need to know you, need to feel my arms around you
feel my arms around you, like a sea around a shore
and -- each night and day I pray, in hope
that I might find you, in hope that I might
find you, because heart's can do no more
It always ends up to one thing honey, still I kneel upon the floor
How can I tell you that I love you, I love you
but I can't think of right words to say
I long to tell you that I'm always thinking of you
I'm always thinking of you....
It always ends up to one thing honey
and I can't think of right words to say

A Thumbs Up

2007-08-02T15:10:00.000-07:00

So after our fantastic weekend, it was time to get Mark back to Utah. We had to get up at some ungodly hour in order to get him to the airport on time, with a little time to spare. ~~We've~~ He's missed enough flights in the past, so we don't even joke about being late anymore, even though there is a little brat inside of me that purposely wants to drive slow so that he won't leave me and go to Utah. ::insert hissy fit here::

It was about 6am, we were about halfway to the airport and we were deep in coversation. One of those, "I forgot I was driving" sort of conversations that can only take place on the road.
I don't really remember what we were talking about, but I was describing something and he was asking me my opinion on it... to which I replied with a big thumbs up.
I never give a thumbs up, so I'm sure he thought that was a little odd. But it wasn't until he noticed that I had my gazed fixed on something in front of the car that he looked over to see who the hell I was so intently giving a thumbs up to....

The Weekend

2007-07-31T20:59:00.000-07:00

The wedding was amazing.

I looked fantastic.

Mark looked even better.

And, of course, we didn't take any pictures.
Actually, we snapped a few on Mark's phone, but after several requests, he has yet to send them to me. The wedding photographer took a bunch as well (because we're so good looking) so I am waiting to get a hold of those.

The best part of the evening was watching Mark interact with people that I've known and respected for while; they had heard so much about him in the last few months and were all excited to meet him, and he managed to impress every last one. Which really isn't some great feat... because he's just fantastic anyway. He didn't have to try to win anyone over, he was just his wonderful self.
It's just nice to know that he can fend for himself and that I didn't have to worry about him at all. Now that I think about it, he kinda upstaged me! ::gasp::

Another highlight of the evening was meeting the groom's two sons and their girlfriends. We were seated at the same table and had a ridiculously good time. There was no awkwardness and we all just got along as if we'd been friends for years. Again, Mark was fantastic. And I had too much wine. I knew this because my Caesar salad was hilarious and I kept clanging my silverware against everything in an attempt to have control over my motor functions.

And of course, it being a wedding.....
I couldn't even walk the next day.

not because I had a debilitating sexual encounter, but because I wore high shoes and danced all night and I woke up with painful and swollen feet.

We slept in until 11 the next day, went to lunch and a movie with Holly and MM.. and then just went home and were lazy for the remainder of the evening. It was really nice.

He left early early Monday a.m... and I'm proud to say that I only sobbed for 5 miles after dropping him off at the airport.

Best weekend ever. :D

update: I found pictures!!

The official goal is...

2007-07-26T22:56:00.000-07:00

30 lbs in 3 months.

I set up a fitness/diet plan for the next four months. As much as I'd like to just lose the weight and say, "Look at how good I am!" the fact is that I am getting outside help for this.
Because honestly, if I don't start now... will I ever?

My hunny is coming home tomorrow! And the wedding is Saturdaaaaaaaaaay and I'm oh so excited.

G'nite!

Ummm..

2007-07-25T18:39:00.000-07:00

I went to this fitness place for a test run on the machines. (Not literally a run; I only run after ice cream trucks.)
I stepped on the high tech scale and it said that I was 5 lbs lighter than I had thought. Yay.
Then it said I was obese. Then it said I had the metabolism of a 44 year old.
OBESE? Stupid scale. I don't even jiggle that much.

But you see... they say that 40 is the new 30.
Well, for me, 44 is the new 22. So take that.
I understand the error in my logic.. but I will pay no attention to it.

i'm in denial denial denial

The Great Escape

2007-07-21T23:00:00.000-07:00

It was hot, I was panicking, I didn't know if I'd make it out alive. I could hardly breathe. I contemplated calling for help, but I didn't. I had gotten myself into this mess and I knew that only I could get myself out. "Please god, let me get out of this," I thought.
I almost gave up, but with patience and determination...
I managed to get out of the size 10 dress that I had somehow squeezed myself into.
I'm surprised that I didn't dislocate my shoulder.

I had to be absolutely positive that it wouldn't fit before I headed out to find a new dress. It didn't.. at all. No way.

I'm not a fan of shopping. I like acquiring new things, but the whole "why can't this just fit???" thing really makes me dread trying on anything. But you know what? Today wasn't bad. I'm chubby, I'm working on it, so whatever. I found a dress that I absolutely ADORE, not only because I look great in it, but also because it was on sale for about $100 less than the original price. I really really lucked out.

I'm not letting my weight get the best of me this time. I don't care that a friend commented, "You better not eat for a week!" as she zipped up my dress. I'm chubby and I'm totally going to work it. I'm going to have a good time... and I'm going to look good. Like every other woman, I have been waaaaaay too hard on myself. For the past five years, I've really disliked my body but never really did anything about it except complain.

My dress is a size 12. I am embracing it because this will be the last time that it fits me snugly. This is my chubbiness grand finale. And I'll smile the entire time, because dammit, I'm beautiful.

What the..

2007-07-20T16:59:00.001-07:00

I'm a few days behind this, but if you haven't seen this yet, take a look. Hang on to your wallet and keep your mouth closed.

Executive Order: Blocking Property of Certain Persons Who Threaten Stabilization Efforts in Iraq

I'm really not going to comment on it because I've lost all motivation and energy to form any opinion about politics. Normally I'd be all over this, but this administration has really just been one disappointment after another. Hopefully I'll bounce back in a few years... what is a shame is that a lot of people that I know have also lost interest in our government, so I can imagine the wide-scale impact this administration has had on people ages 18-26... and just about everyone else who isn't stubbornly hanging on to the republican ticket.

See, no comment at all.

On a lighter note... One week until my love comes back... just a quick weekend stay in order to attend a fantastic wedding that I have been looking forward to since forever. I still need to buy a dress, which reminds me...

On a heavier note... in an attempt to be on a "diet", foods that I would normally never eat, like McDonald's and other unhealthy things, have suddenly become so very appealing to me. And it doesn't help that there were THREE birthdays in the first week of my diet. THREE. That's Cake x 3. You can't not eat cake on someone's birthday...

And for some reason, by becoming regimented about what I eat and when, I've also become very imaginative about what I would rather be eating... so I don't feel that I've lost any weight whatsoever. I feel like I've gained weight, although that may not be true... I am not stepping on that scale until a week from now. I'm just going to be a good girl.

NO MORE BIRTHDAYS!
CANT YOU SEE THAT I AM DIETING????

Diet Diary, Day 3:

2007-07-17T10:12:00.000-07:00

I am abandoning you today. I will happily surrender myself to the chocolate cake's siren ~~song~~ scent.

What I Least Expected

2007-07-15T16:50:00.000-07:00

I don't blog because I don't feel like anything new is going on. I don't feel that I have any witty stories or experiences worth sharing... yet when I do have the urge to just sit and write, I get this feeling that too many things have happened since the last post and there is just no way to provide an update that could include everything.
Makes no sense to me.

Also I am trying to cut the habit of only writing when something is wrong. I've figured out that I don't like talking about the bad stuff, so I write instead. But when things are great or nice, I'm quick to talk about it and leave it off the blog.
I'm sure this isn't uncommon.

So this is a mix of both. Normally I'd be sitting here talking about the past, how I miss my father and how his death affects me to this day, the little things that constantly remind me of him and prod at my heart in an unpleasant manner and the other intricacies of grief that sneak up on me on a daily basis.
Thursday, July 12th, was the 5th anniversary of my father's death.
There is something odd about 5's and their multiples. Something... like if you were to write out the number of years since a person's death, it would look like this:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15

Why? I'm not sure. I always thought it was something specific to me; my mother died when I was 5 so when I turned 10, the 5 years that she had been gone equalled half of my life and it scared me a bit... and when I turned 15, the ratio of time she had been in my life had been reduced to a third... so 5 has always been this alarming number to me.

But this 5 year anniversary was different. Instead of having it cause me to reflect on the past, it opened my eyes to the future. A certainty that I would normally consider arrogant had appeared before my eyes.

The days leading up to the 12th threw me for a loop. I couldn't find my car in parking lots (my big red truck had become so elusive), I wanted to just stay in bed, and a skin condition that popped up a year ago around this time mysteriously surfaced again -- Almost to the day it did last year.

The 11th was uneventful, a quiet dinner alone followed by the squink squink sound of a windex bottle as I wiped windows and mirrors clean... the occasional glance at myself in the mirror, the reflection of a slight smirk as I realized that once again, I was trying to postpone any sad feelings by distracting myself with the celebratory feelings of finally removing that rust stain on the bathroom sink.

I'm no stranger to feeling alone, and although that feeling has substantially decreased over the past year, it is around this time of year that it reaches it's peak. I surrendered to this feeling yet again, and armed with my cup of tea, I went to bed. I laid there for about an hour until the phone rang. It was Mark. It was 2am. He was at my door.

When I felt most alone, he was there. It was like a dream.... but I should have known better. He's Mark, he's amazing, and although I don't expect him to do these things, I am fully aware that he is capable of making me incredibly happy. The kind of happy that makes your eyes well up when you think about it, the kind of happy that you wish you could cut into pieces and give to your friends because it feels like so much happy shouldn't all go to one person.

The kind of happy that makes you certain of your future.

.

2007-02-18T22:44:00.000-08:00

It's so quiet in my house.
I want to smell my father's coffee, my mother's perfume
hear the whirring sound of his machines as he works in the garage, that bellowing laughter of his,
or the soft sound of my mother singing some song in Spanish

sometimes i hear them, just for a moment, and it's comforting. And then it's just sad.
Because it gets quiet again. I'm the only one here.

I get like this around my birthday, usually. Adding another year to my age immediately reminds me of how long they've been gone.

But this year it's hitting me early. I can't even explain what has been going on with me these past few weeks. I've lost my sense of time it seems. I'm standing still in a dark room and the days are flying past me and I can't seem to take hold of anything. I can't grab onto the dates long enough to take care of menial tasks like returning phone calls or taking care of those routine things like bills and chores...

And I'm numb. I can make a list of the wonderful things in my life but they prove to be no match against this relentless current that keeps pulling me down. What's most frightening is that I'm losing the energy to keep fighting; struggling to keep afloat just doesn't seem worth it anymore. Because with every new breath i get pulled under again. I just want to stay under, I want to close my eyes and let this game be over already. I don't want to play this game anymore.

But that's ridiculous. And I know that.
So perhaps I've been so busy fighting this inner battle that I've failed to notice what day it is and who I've neglected.
It's affecting my health, and in all certainty, if you are reading this, it has somehow affected you.

This is not who I want to be, and it's frustrating that my situation and circumstances are really changing who I am to the very core of my character. I feel like I am turning into a hopeless, negative, cynical person. I feel it most when I try to envision my future and I see nothing, or when that tiny voice tries to tell me that things are going to be okay and I dismiss it as nonsense.

I don't like where I am right now. I don't like who I am right now.
But I don't feel that I have any control over it anymore.

So I'll keep doing what needs to be done, keep my animals fed and the utilities turned on, and I'll just wait. Something good is bound to happen. I'm clinging to that tiny shred of optimism; it's all that I have left.

.

2007-02-07T16:52:00.000-08:00

i'm so lost right now.
i'm tired of being strong, i'm tired of the battles
i just want things to be within reach; i want happiness that doesn't come at a price.

i keep getting knocked down and I don't expect that to ever end... but it would be nice to be able to stand up long enough between each fall to appreciate the good things in my life, which I dont feel i am doing.

i hate these rough spots
i just want a break.

carton of ice cream, here I come

Apologies

2007-02-06T11:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Blog,

I haven't abandoned you. I adore you and I know that I haven't been giving you the attention you deserve. I need you to know that its not you... its me.
Please don't think that the novelty has worn off and that I'm leaving you, no...

I'm still here! I just don't understand where the days are going! It's February???? SINCE WHEN? I just finished my last tin of Christmas cookies! I'm still saying happy new year! And, quite frankly, my life has been uneventful up until this past weekend :D :D :D

Okay so chew on that until I come back.
Back to work.

Love,
Rosario

Whose bed is this?

2007-01-23T23:33:00.000-08:00

I love the feeling of freshly washed sheets. Soft, smellin' good, just so wonderfully fresh...
It's 11:30pm and I'm ready to fall into my blankets and let my bed take me away...

But apparently they've beaten me to it.
Thanks. A lot.

Just what I needed most

2007-01-23T14:22:00.000-08:00

Cold mornings, numb fingers, delicious hot chocolate with the perfect ::shhhhwoop:: of whipped cream floating on top...
Since the age of 5 until last May, these things had been my weekly routine.

I first started out helping my father sell at the local street fair. Actually.. I just went along with him instead of staying home alone. Little by little, I started helping him set up the booth and talking to people... and before we knew it, I was a fierce little salesgirl.

And then I'd bring my rollerblades with me and skate around the entire place, and pretty soon everyone know who I was.
It's a bit interesting to note the transformation that took place around that age. After my mother's death when I was five, I was pretty withdrawn for a while. I didn't want to play; I was just sad. There's this giant gap in my memory where I don't remember anything at all the months following her death. It's just this dark period in my childhood.

The street fair turned this shy little girl into a talkative, friendly little kid who could always be found with some remnant of lunch stuck to her face and grass stains on her jeans. Looking back, I was pretty funny to look at. My father had no idea how to comb a little girl's hair, he had no idea on how to dress me... i didn't really have time to worry about what I was wearing because I was too busy worrying about my scalp being ripped off my skull from the intensely tight pony tail he had inflicted upon me.

I became a fixture at the street fair. I knew where every booth was, I knew all the gossip because the adults thought that I was too young to understand what they were talking about.. ("Dad! Did you know that so-and-so has a boyfriend now because she says she needs the organisms that her husband won't give her?") So maybe I was clueless.. but I became an invaluable source of fresh news.
Everyone watched me grow up. They kept me in check; I couldn't do anything without it getting back to my father. Eventually the rollerblades came off and by the time I could drive, I would just set up the booth with my father, leave for the day, then come back to help pack up.

Then he died.

I took over the booth and did it by myself. I found comfort in hearing stories about my dad from vendors and customers alike. I never felt orphaned when I was there. If I missed a day, I'd get grief from my neighbors the following weekend. And when my birthday rolled around, they'd surprise me with cake at 6am. I never once felt alone when I went to the street fair.

Street fair season runs from October-May. I said my goodbyes last May with all the intentions of returning in October. But I didn't go back. I was in such a rut emotionally and I really felt that I was done selling at the fair. Because I was a mess, I barricaded myself for while and didn't call people back when they called to see if I was okay. I just didn't want to talk to anyone. By the time I was okay, I felt dumb for not keeping in touch with people, which just continued my avoidance of their calls.

So last weekend I finally went back. And it was fantastic.
I lost my old space so they just put me in an empty one for the day... but people still managed to find me. I really expected to get yelled at for not being there, but everyone was so nice and just happy to see me again.
And... as funny as this sounds...
I was a total Street Fair Celebrity.

While I was waiting for my space, I made conversation with a new guy.
"So... have you sold here before?"
"Oh yeah, I pretty much grew up here. I've been coming here for like 15 years or so."
He didn't seem to believe me until 5 different vendors walked by and greeted me by name. One lady even started with the classic "I've known her since she was this big!"
He then looked at me. "So you weren't kidding."
"Nope."

I went to buy some coffee, and after a brief conversation, he wouldn't let me pay for it.
My breakfast burrito was free.
Later when I was hungry, I went to buy some yummy dates and pistachios. My attempts to purchase those were denied with a smile and "This time its on me" in Spanish.
It was just so nice. By the end of the day I was exhausted, I didn't make as much money as I had hoped... but I was happy. Really really happy.

And for a moment, I felt my father pat me on the back.

I can't wait until next weekend!

Missing him...

2007-01-20T11:10:00.000-08:00

I want to spend the day with you today. I want to make us some lunch, I want us to just go somewhere nice and do absolutely nothing all day; I want to forget all the things that need to be done, forget the deadlines and the responsibilities. I just want you here, I want to be there, I just want to be with you.

Today is solely dedicated to fighting the urge to drive to Utah to visit Mark. I don't care that I don't have a cell phone, that my truck has been acting funny lately, and that I have super important things to do in the next couple of days. No, I want to just up and leave and drive 10 hours to spend a day with him. And when I really want to do something, I make it happen. I'm persistent and persuasive, which are great traits when they are directed at someone else.
So here I am on this lovely Saturday morning figuring out my plan, telling myself I need to be more responsible and stay, but I really do deserve a break, but not when I am broke and have things to do, that I shouldn't be so rash in my decisions, but spontaneity is a good thing... And I MISS HIM!

Diego has my car keys now. He has been instructed not to let me have them back unless we need to go somewhere locally.

I love my long distance relationship, I really do. I love that we have no choice but to learn the important things about each other; that this is real, based on far more than fleeting physical attributes. We've got this solid relationship that can withstand the 600 miles between us.
I love that feeling of seeing him after being apart for entire weeks at a time. Weeks that would normally just zoom on by now feel like forever. . It's almost been 3 weeks now... and I'm struggling. A lot.

Like last night when I was thirsty and I was too afraid to go to the kitchen in the dark because there's a big scary window by the sink and Diego kept telling me, "No you go first" and then I'd walk a few steps and he wouldn't even go with me like he promised...
That's when I realized just how much I miss My Handsome.

But I have to wait. I don't want to wait. ::stomp stomp stomp:::

I've thrown my little fit and I've realized that I haven't eaten today. So, My Dear Handsome, I will make us both some lunch and eat it in your honor. Only because I love you. These are the sacrifices I am willing to make.

I'll clean the house and do what needs to be done. I'll save my money. I'll take care of all my responsibilities! I'll be so good and responsible! Look at me!

I'LL TOTALLY DESERVE A ROAD TRIP NEXT WEEKEND!

Friday! Hooray!

2007-01-12T19:36:00.000-08:00

Every once in a while, an incredible force takes over my body and I can't control my actions.

This only happens when I go to Carniceria Rancho Grande to buy groceries.

Walking through the doors into this store, where minimal English is spoken, takes me back to my Mexico. The people are friendly, humble, and polite. Somewhere between picking up cheap vegetables and ordering 2 lbs of meat for my delicious carne asada, I become 1000% mexican. I dance through the aisles to the cumbia music that flows though the store, I wiggle my hips while weighing my avocados... I order my beloved goodies from behind the meat counter without my little american accent; and I can't hold still as they are packing up my favorite cheese. I'm a total mexican now. I've become Rosario.

There's a spring in my step as I make my way back to my truck, ingredients in hand. I'm one hungry Mexican on a mission to make the most delicious meal ever.

I get home and greet the dogs in Spanish. They aren't bilingual so they're a bit confused, but not for long. The smell of carne asada is a universal language. I've got the Mexican radio station blasting. Yes, the Mexican oompah music. ACCORDIANS and all. I'm beyond the point of no return... I don't even speak English at this point.

The meat is a sizzlin', the music is a bumpin', and I'm dancing, fork in hand... looking like the quintessential drunken aunt that appears at every Mexican wedding. The dogs have retreated to the living room, north of the kitchen, back into American territory... but I remain here, determined to satisfy the hungry Mexican within me.

I toss the tortillas onto the fire like a pro, flip them without the usual accompanying 3rd degree burns, and pop them on a plate. And they wait, naked, until my delicious carne asade joins them. I add some peruvian beans - the lighter, more delicate sibling of those overused pinto beans. Normally the trio is completed with the addition of these beans... but not tonight. Tonight is different.

I've got ceviche tostadas.

I look at my creation with a faint "Ay dios mio, que lindo" and settle down with a glass of lime-aid. I close my eyes and forget where I am... and with every bite, I come back down to my original state. My thoughts are in English again, the music is now slightly annoying, but the food - the food remains just as delicious.

If you ever accompany me to Carniceria Rancho Grande, do not question what is happening to me. Embrace it... your stomach will thank you. And perhaps you'll take with you a little bit of my querido Mexico.

I Win.

2007-01-10T10:49:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm all good again.
The last couple of days really threw me for a loop. Life has this way of making sure that I don't take my sanity for granted by making me completely insane, irrational, and emotional once in a while. Mother Nature does this same thing on a monthly basis. And when these things coincide... watch out, forget it, don't ask and keep clear.
It's frightening... but can also be used to my advantage.
So in normal Rosario fashion, I wondered: "How can I make the best of this situation?"

I decided to face my enemy, my archnemesis; the one who sucks the life out of my soul and the money out of my purse.

I went to Bank of America.

Bank of America is the worst bank ever. EVER.
Of course with all of these large financial institutions, the customer is just one in a million and there is no such thing as "We value your business." I know that. But BofA takes this to another level. They actively HATE ME. They don't budge. I remember calling once, crying my eyes out because I overdrafted like $1.50 and then this snowball effect started taking place and I was in overdraft hell. At $35 dollars for each fee, it got ugly. I had no money. It was awful. After submitting a refund request, the computer said no. That was it. The computer was the decision maker. I told them I was going to close my account. They said I'd have to bring it out of negative first. Idiotas.

I stood in line and took myself back to that place. I silently channeled the energy and feelings I felt on that fateful day, the day BofA showed no mercy. By the time it was my turn, I had become a force to be reckoned with.

That poor teller.

I was relentless as I ranted and complained. English did not limit me, no; I let loose a few "inútiles!"(useless people!) and "sinvergüenzas!"(people without shame!) here and there. I even stomped.

And suddenly, the computer did not have the last say. I watched the Vice President of that branch as she peered down her nose through her dainty reading glasses. As her fingers danced across the keyboard, her perfectly manicured red nails composed a most pleasant click clickity click sound that calmed me. It took her no effort whatsoever to override the computer's decision. She smiled at me, almost acknowledging the fact that I had made it this far; I had made it further than countless others who dared challenge this heartless oppressor. I bid her farewell and proudly headed for the door. Moments before walking out, I looked back and thought to myself, "Screw all of you, I am coming back tomorrow to close my account."

I think I'll go to another branch for that.

Neurosis and a Cold Nose

2007-01-07T20:22:00.000-08:00

I can't do a damn thing today. I'm anxious, I'm emotional... and I'm not getting anything done. I try to do something, and for whatever reason, I can't finish.
I was just out in the garage and I was trying to cut something in half with my table saw. Because of the size of the piece I'm trying to cut, I can only use my table saw.
But as soon as I switched it on, I was afraid. AFRAID! I think I made a cut of about 3 inches before I turned it off. I couldn't do it. What the hell??? I am not like this! I've used that thing before. It is by no means my favorite but I've used it. Successfully.
So to calm down I decided to search the web on the dangers of table saws.

Kickback is caused when the blade catches the workpiece and violently throws it back to the rear of the saw, towards the operator. It can be thrown very hard and can injure the operator. It is not uncommon for the object to have high enough velocity to become embedded in a wall or to cause other damage or injury.

Oh hell no. Not happening.

I'm one of those folks that can't relax when things need to get done.
But I'm also too anxious and nervous to do anything. I can't explain this at all.
My Handsome man did a great job at calming me down earlier with the magic of his logical reasoning and kind words, but the effects only lasted a good 20 minutes.

There are just a bunch of tiny things that are bothering me. chomp chomp chomp... that's all I hear. Teenytiny termites eating away at my construction. Of course I'm shaky! I feel like I'm about to fall apart.
I will be fine tomorrow. I just don't know what to do now to calm myself down. Every little thing is either getting on my nerves or stressing me out. AARRRRRRGGGGHHHH.

My dog wont stop following me around the house, won't let me use the bathroom alone (he scratches at the door) and every time I've sat down to do stuff on the computer, he's nudged me or otherwise shocked me with a cold nose. Instead of labeling him needy and annoying, I am going to just tell myself that he senses that I am nutty today and he's just making sure I'm okay. And more annoyed.
Look at him! He has a big goofy head! STOP STARING AT ME! CAN'T I BE ALONE FOR ONE SECOND?!

Breathe
Breathe
Breathe

So I give up on getting things done today. I am in no condition to be operating heavy machinery anyway, right? I am going to snuggle with Diego, make myself a cup of decaffeinated Cafecito Con Leche and try to read the book that my dear friend Danielle sent me for Christmas.

A Tale of Two Pancakes

2007-01-06T16:43:00.000-08:00

I made perfect pancakes this morning. Golden brown, not burnt, plate sized and perfectly round, these were pancakes to be remembered. So I ate them.
Arranged neatly next to my eggs, accompanied by my pulpilicious orange juice, I couldn't help but admire this perfection of a Breakfast Trifecta.

Now this may not sound like some major achievement, but it is. I've been ~~burning~~ ~~ruining~~ making pancakes since I was 7 years old. No one ever supervised me... I just followed the directions on the box. In the beginning I thought it perfectly normal to eat my pancakes to the sound of the smoke detector.
Since then, my pancakes have been nearly perfect. Misshapen yet delicious, stacked from largest to smallest - what was lacking? It's simple.

Love.

These pancakes were the first pancakes I have made since I've been in love. They were worthy of the cover of Pancakes Weekly magazine. Coincidence? You decide. I think it's fairly obvious.

Blogging... here I go again

2007-01-05T20:15:00.000-08:00

I wanted to start this off again on a pleasant note, but getting back into journaling only reminds me of why I stopped in the first place.
I did livejournal. I Blurty-ed. Then there was Xanga.
That all ended a year and a half ago, when I became involved with a ~~man~~ Douchebag that made my nightly blogging adventures seem ridiculous. I was also incredibly unhappy and my posts would have been pretty dark and awful... and embarrassing. I erased everything I had ever written. I'll call it the dark year of my life.
I don't want to go into a lengthy dissection of why and how I could have ever gotten caught up in such an awful relationship. I'm a bit hard on myself about it because I knew all along. Lots of red flags. Rage, extreme beliefs....This guy destroyed me in such a fashion that I felt that only he could reconstruct me. Things I considered completely unacceptable became excusable. The fact that he didn't literally hit me with a fist was my reason for staying. Somewhere my reasoning became the opposite of what it should be; I was thankful for the bad things he didn't do rather than be upset about the terrible things he did do.
It got to the point to where I had a hard time looking my little sister in the eye whenever she'd ask about him. I was just too embarrassed. If she was dating someone like this, I'd have him hunted down! (what Mexican doesn't know a felon? Por Favor)
As I'm typing this out I still feel pangs of embarrassment. But I wouldn't be who I am today (I am so very fantastic, kneel before me!) if I hadn't been through this garbage. So for that, I am thankful.
He's out of my life, I'm happier than ever, and I've been strong.
...because there are times when he attempts to get back into my life, tries to get a reaction out of me. Not happening. My reasons aren't even spiteful. I just don't give a damn.

Interesting things have happened since then. It seems that as soon as I discarded that cloak of unhappiness he had placed on me, good things started occurring. I started working an enjoyable job, I reconnected with long lost family (more about that later) and I revived a few old friendships. Most importantly, I found the love of my life. No, rediscovered is a better way of putting it. Be forewarned: I am in love and I will exercise my right to ramble on and on about it, I will not hold back on the cheese, and you will roll your eyes and/or make cutesy "awwwww!" sounds.

Things are great.
So without further ado, welcome to my new little world. It may not always be fanfare and festivities around here, but I'll always be honest. And hungry.

Road Trip

2006-07-17T23:44:00.000-07:00

I was feeling antsy, in need of a change of my surroundings... so I decided to take a road trip. Granted, it was 1:30 in the morning, but I figured it would be perfect time to leave since the a/c in my truck has conveniently decided to stop working.

So I made it to Yuma at like 4am... spent some time there and made my way back in the daylight.

I was drving on the 8, which runs parallel to the Mexican border. At one point it was 40 miles of desert... absolutely nothing out there. To my left there was a barrier, more symbolic than functional, that established the border. Makes sense, since it is easy to assume that people just don't cross in this area, surrounded by miles and miles of sand dunes and desolation.

But they do. And they die.

About 30 feet away from the freeway, on the US side, I couldn't help but notice white crosses here and there, marking the spot where hopes of a better life have ended. Terribly.

I traveled north on the 115 through a tiny town called Holtville.. After asking around I managed to locate an old cemetery out in the middle of an agricultural area. After passing graves from the 30's and 40's, I made my way back to an area that could easily be missed.
Here were all the people that had died in the desert, trying to make it to the US, who could not be identified. John and Jane Does.

I couldn't help but cry. "This is it?" I thought. Here are people's brothers and sisters, someone's uncle or aunt, mothers and fathers.... all of them trying to find a better life, risking everything in order to help the rest of the family who is undoubtedly struggling. This act of desperation, crossing such a distance over unforgiving terrain... and this is it? They left home and were never heard from again. No one has seen them. And even after accepting the fact that they have died during their journey... there is no grave to visit, no certainty of their final resting place.

Argue all you want about the immigration issue... it's a tough one. There really isn't a solution. Migration is something that will never cease. But what is happening now is that people are not able to get through in urban areas; the fierce enforcement of the border in Tijuana and Mexicali is forcing people to try to get through the desert.

Most people that are crossing are not criminals. The "criminals and terrorists" that we hear about are already here in the US... or at least their connections are. They aren't risking their lives crossing a desert in order to live a life of crime.

These are people that would swim through sewage water, hide in trees all day to escape deportation or a rancher shooting at them, would drink contaminated water, not eat for days... keep going after being robbed.. and would try again after being deported. All this... for the privilege of washing dishes for $6 an hour?

These people have died because they weren't fortunate enough to be winners in the geographical lottery. They were born too far south.

But they made it. And their journey ends right here.